Freeze Frame: Queen Latifah & Kristin Chenoweth.

The Oscars. 
Arguably the most important awards show of the season...and yet the red carpet wear was subpar compared to the Golden Globes, SAG and the Grammys.  Snooze.  It's like reading about Peeta and how heroic he is in the written word, and then seeing the measly Josh Hutcherson.  #disappointing.

Best Dressed: Kristin Chenoweth, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Garner.  Jamie Foxx's daughter.

You can google them if you're really curious, but let's review some other non-garment related highlights.

1) When Queen Latifah and Kristin Chenoweth stood next to each other.  The sheer contrast. They are opposites in every sense of the word.  Height. Weight. Voice pitch. Color.  Whoever thought they should ever be in the same frame is...evil.  Here are some people who are clearly more eloquent than I:





It looked not much different than the scenario to my right -->

KChen & Queenz standing together was just as wrong as Bradley's hair, his mother's feathery shoulders, and Bradley not providing stilts six inch heels for his madre on the one night anyone would ever know she is.  #rude  #badson



2) Charlize Theron just waltzing onto the red carpet saying "what up bitch Anne Hathaway" without actually saying anything at all.  #mypixieisbetterthanyours

3) Amy Adams thinking she is still in the movie Enchanted.

Probably because pretending like she is married to Patrick Dempsey is wayyyy better than actually being married to Sacha Baron Cohen...or is that Isla Fisher...same diff. 

4) Kristin Stewart thinking she is at her endorsement meeting for dry shampoo.

5) Annnnd drumroll please-- rounding out the top 5: Chris Evans' face. 

Grammys 2013: JT In "Suit & Tie", Bey in Pants

Just as I thought Justin Timberlake schooled everyone in menswear and somehow managed to steal attention away from even the ladies, Bey showed up in pants and gave JT a run for his money.  (P.S. John Mayer, please take notes.  Velvet lapis suits are not the best.  Or even mediocre.)  Who knew I'd start off recapping the Grammys by mentioning how great people who covered up their lower extremities looked?  Just goes to show, those who follow the rules, win.  Or not.  Because Rihanna showed up, showcasing her body's reaction to frigid temperatures, and looked ahhhmayyzzzing.

Sidenote(s): why do they keep inviting LL Cool J to be the host? I mean if Ricky Gervais finally got passed on for other options, can't we do the same here?  Can someone tell Carly Rae Jepsen about tanning beds?  Also, Faith Hill trying to give me shingles. 

Leave it to Rihanna & J.Lo to completely disregard CBS' wardrobe advisory.

Jennifer Lopez flipped the bird at CBS by coming in a thigh-high dress.  Throwback to 2000 Grammys. And Angelina Jolie at Oscars 2012.  Apparently she is either a) illiterate, b) has bad (or good?) publicists, or c) just trying to twist the knife, since dating a 25 year old post-divorce isn't enough.

Rihanna decided to cover up-- sort of. She opted for the sheer look, not opting for fashion tape. Also not opting for safety, seeing that she is back with CB.


BEST DRESSED

Apparently Carrie and Taytay have a fued going.  You may say, "who cares?" and you're right...it's not important.  Except for that it is because it seems like only Carrie will say what everyone else is thinking: Taylor, get the hell out of the 'country' genre and stop stealing all our awards.   Not that Carrie actually said that, but I am going to assume that is the reason why Carrie won't play nice.

Kelly Rowland seriously flirting with the CBS attire guidelines.  And looking great doing so.

And we conclude with the greatest eye candy of the night, Justin Timberlake, in a Tom Ford suit and (bow)tie:

You can really only fully appreciate the hair tonight after taking a stroll down NSYNC memory lane.

Mary Camden is one lucky gal. 
(Cue YouTube video of Jessica Biel on 7th Heaven set to a Backstreet Boys song.) 

SAG 2013: Nicole Kidman Came As Keith Urban

SAG Awards are special because your peers vote for the winner.  Snooze.  This award show is soooo important it is on TBS. AND TNT.  But people wear dresses to this event (surprisingly this does not include Ross Matthews) so at least the red carpet is watchable.  (As was Sophia Vergara's part in the opening variety monologues).

Highlights: Giuliana Rancic thinking dubstep is a dance and trying to get all the stars to try to "dubstep" with her...and nobody telling her that it is actually music that sounds like Transformers suffering from a major case of diarrhea.   And Bradley Cooper.  Just standing there.  Speaking French.  Cue Jesse Katsopolis: Have Mercy. 

Rather than deal with those who opted not to look into a mirror before televising the atrocity that was, well...them, here are those who just made me chuckle inside:  Alec Baldwin with the now vintage Bieber haircut (c'mon, even Justin is too old for that), Amy Poehler also going for the vintage look, sporting spaghetti straps, Julia Stiles just looking like a huge bitch and Nicole Kidman wearing Keith's hair.

BEST DRESSED

How random that Katrina Bowden (Badgley Mischka) is my best dressed for SAG 2013.  Just another 30 Rock win. 

Looks like best dressed came in pairs this year-- two in metallic/silver, two in black and two in navy.  Forgive the flash on Julie Bowen's leather...looked much better on video.

Allow me to go off tangent here for a sec and move into bash-child-actors territory for a moment. 

Aubrey Anderson-Emmons (aka Lily in Modern Family) is literally the worst child actor, dare I say it, of all time.  She is almost as monotone as Kourtney Kardashian. Watching her just makes me think how great the days were of Fred Savage, Michelle Tanner...Miley Cyrus.

If you are seriously doubting that last one, I suggest you watch this video and brush all doubts aside, once and for all.  Doubt you could be that sassy at age 11 even if your mom took your Polly Pockets away from you for two days.  Or who knows, maybe you were a hayuuuggge brat.  In that case, you seriously missed a calling in life.

Only Old People Smile With Their Teeth: Golden Globes 2013

It's January...this can only mean one thing.  You will compile a list of completely unattainable goals in an effort to better yourself, but really only just set yourself up for a disappointingly repeated, older (and none the wiser) version of yourself from the year before.  Because change is overrated.  It's awards season.  Duh.

I couldn't have been less interested in who won this year.  I haven't seen any of the movies or TV shows nominated (excluding Breaking Bad, PS I can't believe we have to wait 'til SUMMER to see Hank go Chris Brown on Bryan Cranston's ass.)   Apparently Homeland took it away on the television front...no surprise there...at least 48% of my Facebook newsfeed is comprised of statuses related to the show.  Even though I have read the premise of the show on Wikipedia three times now and still can't really figure out what it's about.  To be fair, any time middle eastern locations are thrown into any given sentence, I automatically go ADHD. 

I digress.  The real reason this post is here is to see worst and best dressed.  Let's see who managed to make us "want to die" or managed to make us want to gouge our eyes out this year.  (See last year's Golden Globes review here.  Remember Charlize Theron in Dior??)

Let's start off with the ladies in white.  There was a good amount of white on the Red Carpet this year, all looking pretty good. (Though that may be due too the lighting on white, taking away from any detailing that may actually be pretty horrific.)  Apparently there is some sort of contest out in Hollywood for Seasonique's next endorsement deal.  Good luck ladies...may the odds be ever in your drug-induced-infertility favor.  

BEST DRESSED

My top picks for tonight are these ladies, in no particular order...yet slightly in the order in which they are pictured.
1) Jennifer Garner: in a red Vivienne Westwood number, mama's lookin' good.  She is clearly not in the running for the Seasonique deal.  She is basically wearing menstrual camo.
2) Julianna Margulies: (okay this is random and no offense to Julianna, but does anyone else think she looks like Asa from Shahs of Sunset?)  representing the middle-aged demo at the Globes very well tonight in Emilio Pucci.
3) Julianne Hough: in Monique Lhullier...just stunning. Unlike her performance in Footloose v2.

4) Katharine McPhee: what are you doing with your life these days?  I guess it doesn't really matter...looking great in a chic, minimalist Theyskens' Theory dress. 

5) Kerry Washington: (the hair gives her an extra 10 points) this Miu Miu embellishments-on-sheer beats out allll the other Zuhair Murad embellishments-on-sheer ever in history.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Kristen Bell looked amazing tonight with that "I have a human being growing inside me" glow about her.
Also looking fab: Mrs. Doubtfire's ex-wife. 
Honestly, they should probably both be in the top five, but word on the street is that pregnant people and grandmas aren't real lookers, so I resorted to the list above. Sorry, I am soooo conventional.

WORST DRESSED
Let's start off with the ladies who came adorned in the most hideous of ensembles, yet managed to come paired, arm-in-arm, with gorgeous male specimans.  I guess these ladies invested in the accessories division but I mean, you knew you were going to be photographed tonight, right?
WORST of these goes to: Rachel Weisz.  Way to come with arguably the most gorgeous man of the hour while simultaneously supporting one of the worst fashion collaborations of all time (Louis Vuitton x Yayoi Kusama.) 

Continuing the worst dressed are gals who decided that patterns were a way to go.  WRONG.

There you have it.  Globes 2013.  It has now become too late to come up with some sort of witty conclusion, soooo...bye.

Get Off Royal Soil

Is it just me or is anyone else sick of reading about the Royal family?

I mean, if it's not about Lisa Vanderpump, I really don't give.

Between the morning sickness, speculation of twins, and those two Australian assholes who joked their way into being held responsible for Kate's suicidal nurse, the Royals really have a way of marking their territory on the Internet's most precious real estate.  (www.people.com : Beverly Hills :: www.foursquare.com : Camden, NJ.)
If you thought you never had to comprehend these post-'90s, consider it a vintage brain exercise.
Because if you're on www.foursquare.com you really don't understand the point of foursquare.
I mean, you can't become mayor via desktop.

Just wondering...when Kate Middleton voms, is it a slightly more glam form of upchuck?
Are there rose petals involved?  Or just processed Rose from dinner?
Is it marketable on eBay?  Someone just tried to sell dirt from JB's hometown, surely this could sell.
Trying to picture it, but honestly, this gal doesn't even look like she goes #2. 

I can't believe I'm saying this but I wish Lindsay would just crash another car, Amanda would get another mugshot, Rihanna would go back to Chris Brown...oh wait, did all these gals already max out to the point of irrelevancy?  Sorry gals, you guys are just way past playing cover girl for Hollywood's most troubled. 

I guess here's to Kate, to having a stress-free pregnancy and to hoping that her bab(ies) get a little more of Harry's genes than William's.  Except maybe the hair color.  But on sheer volume, we definitely need to pull from Harry's gene pool.  

Kate, we know you're gonna be a great mom, but that makes for boring stories.  We need you to clear out so that we can keep track of how messed up Britney's kids are gonna be.

Thanks in advance for packing up your things and making the exit.  Promise you won't make another appearance on the interwebs until due date?  Good.  I really need to keep up with the important stuff.  You know, like Khloe's heartbreakingly futile efforts to bear children.

This Week In Model Citizens: Honey Boo Boo

I am already completely ashamed of the fact that I'm dedicating attention and a full post to the following, but this is just one of those things that is just so bad you have to watch it-- attention must be paid.

This girl is literally the manifestation of diet coke + mentos in human form.
(If you don't understand that reference, you probably did not have a childhood.) 

Her mom looks like a huge meth head. (literally a huge one). 
She also looks like Frankenstein. With a super long face.  And no neck.
She is probablyyy going to hell for making her child drink her concoction of red bull + mountain dew on the daily so that her daughter has enough energy to entertain us idiotic Americans who encourage this kind of behavior by providing Nielsens the stats to allow TLC to continue running this sh-tshow.

Just wondering....how does a six year old know how to even talk like this?  "Dollar makes me holla, honey boo boo"?  If child services isn't currently navigating through the back roads of Georgia right now, this world is going to be really messed up by 2020.  (Random, inappropriately placed PSA: also going to be really messed up by 2016 if you vote for Obama.)  

My favorite part of HBBC is that she constantly grabs all the fat in her abdomen and pushes it forward for everyone to see and she claims that judges who are deterred by this "don't know a good thing when they see it."  You tell 'em, Alana.
Now let me tell you something: you are so wrong, it's not even funny disgusting.

You thought TLC maxed out at showcasing monster mommys with Kate Gosselin...you were wrong.
Kate was crazy, but she wasn't trying to reduce the life expectancy of her children by threefold.

If you hadn't had the slightest idea of HBBC before this post, I'm sorry I somehow found a way to kill 782 of your brain cells while engaging you in a productive activity, reading.  But I should probably get props for accomplishing that.  And sorry that I've teased your curiosity to open up a new tab in your browser,  go to YouTube, and then proceed to type in the most ridiculous consecutive four words to ever autopopulate in the internet's search engine.  But I'm not that sorry because you are probably laughing right now.

Party in the Neverland

If you haven't seen photos of Miley turned Tinkerbell over the last couple days, you don't have access to the internet.  Go to your local public library and buy yourself a clue. 

Actually ,on second thought, spare yourself.
Buy Miley a clue instead.

Homegirl needs to remember she is engaged, not yet married, which means Liam can dash at any time whenever he wants. This new 'do may be the trigger to his exit.

Note to Miley: the duckface peace signs cannot salvage this look of yours, so please stop trying.  But also showing teeth does not help either so...just hide out for a while, yeah?

If you're really that bored post-Hannah Montana, couldn't you have just opted for another shot at the bong?  Or make a tutorial for a sluttier version of the Hoedown Throwdown? Or like, just go walk your dog? 

This is just asking for Liam to pull a K.Stew cheat on you.
You know this is embarrassing for him, right?
How rude.

If you find your left hand three and a half carats lighter in the next month or two, you have only yourself to blame for writing your own fate.
I heard boys don't really like dating girls who look like boys.  But screw those people, right?

Wrong.

Miley, better stash up on the kale.
It's a long road from ear length to shoulders.

And so I end with this:

Sorry, not possible. 

Jengaged

Our old little Jen finally scored a big ole' rock on her finger post-Brad.  Well, let's assume it's a big one...even though we've never heard of Justin Theroux pre-Jen-snatchup.  So who'll make it down the aisle for the second time first?  Brad or Jen?

If Justin so much as has ten brain cells above those super arched eyebrows of his, he'll get their license tomorrow morning.
Let's face it...'til now, Jen's pretty much been losing...at life...to Angelina; at least give her this.  Plus, her eggs are depleting.  And Angelina already has fifty three kids.  Add another tally to the Angelina column. 

Yes, this is exciting-- after fleeing her wedding pre-nuptials from Barry Farber and ten seasons of the torturous game of on-again-off-again with Ross Geller and getting cheated on by (and divorced from) Brad Pitt...the gal deserves a shot at true love...even if only one of the three aforementioned situations actually happened in real life.

So here's to Jen, may life be kind to you and have left you enough eggs to successfully pro-create so that you can outdo Angelina by having children that don't resemble the Hanson bros or suffer from gender ambiguity.   Cheers.

P.S. Someone please call me when Scott finally becomes a Kardashian Kourtney finally becomes a Disick.

This Week in Model Citizens

Famous people are exemplary human beings; if you ever find yourself pregnant wondering how you should raise your forthcoming child, just make them watch The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, Mean Girls then Georgia Rule-- in that order-- throw in some trashy VH1 shows in between and they will turn out to be all you ever hoped and dreamed for them to be. (Note: including Herbie Fully Loaded in the mix might do more damage than called for.)

Let's take a look at the douches making headlines this week.

John Edwards
Who?  Remember the annoying man who pretended to care about poor people who also pretended like he had a chance against Obama or Hilary in 2008?  Okay, so he doesn't fall quite in the same demographic as everyone else on this blog but today he cannot go unmentioned.  He was found not guilty today for 6 counts of...stuff...basically all for campaign fraud. Your $25 donation paid for 1/6 of his haircut (probably just one sideburn), or your $250 donation paid for a one-way ticket to get Rielle Hunter the hell out of the same city as the late Elizabeth Edwards.  Buyer's remorse?  Sorry. Can't help you.

Let's rewind: the dude ran for presidency in 2008 in the midst of an affair with some rando "actress" named Rielle Hunter (please name me one movie she has been in) while his wife, Elizabeth, was dying from cancer.  If that does not constitute "asshole", then there are some really messed up people out there.   Then he illegally used a bunch of campaign money to do things like hide Rielle from the world and get $500+ haircuts (serious, google it).

After his case was declared a "mistrial", Edwards gave some lame statement in which he said "I don't think God's through with me.  I really believe he thinks there are still some good things I can do."  Hopeful, party of one?  Delusional, party of one?  Regardless, for the rest of your life, Eddie, you're gonna be just a party of one.  See ya in another life, bro.
(Or not.  I'm kind of hoping I end up in Heaven.)

Kathie Lee Gifford
How drunk is this lady at 7AM EST?  We all know Kathie Lee and Hoda are basically alcoholics but at least wait 'til like 9AM to take your first swig, jeez.

This morning she interviewed Martin Short, bringing up the topic of his wife, asking how long they've been married, reaffirming that the two are still "madly in love" and that they still make each other laugh.  Ummm, Mrs. Short has been dead for two years.  Making a corpse laugh is probably super awkward.  And also totally not funny.

KLG: next time, maybe just do an airplane bottle.  Or drink water.  I heard it's good for you.

Facebook
I know you're not a person, but you were a real B this week.

JB: Boy II Man

In 2004, we witnessed the countdown of the Olsen twins turning "legal", leaving behind their jail-bait statuses and entering into an era of sex, drugs and anorexia freedom to do whatever they want. Oh yeah, and finally access to their billions of dollars their daddy had locked up. Which only led to more of the above. 

Who said boys are the only ones that have the capacity to be this creepy?  Girls can get just as anxious at the thought of their dream boy having the ability to engage in consensual activities without judicial consequences.
The only difference is, boys will count down the days to almost anyone's legality...from the Olsen Twins...to Dakota Fanning (who is like eternally 12 years old)...to basically any girl who gets their own Disney Channel TV show.  

Justin, posing in the same exact scheming manner that we often do in secrecy.

Girls on the other hand, practice a little more self-control and selectivity.  It takes a very special kind of boy for us to keep tabs on his eighteenth birthday.  Actually more like only one boy ever in history.  And no, it's not Fred Savage. His name rhymes with Bustin Jeeber.

Lucky for us JB, like the rest of us, suffers from mortality.  He can't stay 14 forever (thank God).  He will inevitably face the consequences of aging (see: JB's Proactiv endorsement deal).  One said consequence: an outburst of women fans flying out of the JB-closet because once he's 18, it seems slightly more acceptable to love this tiny monopolizer of women.

Some of us ladies, (Tiane and myself included) have never been shameful of admitting our love for the Biebster.  

- Watching Never Say Never is a weekly activity
- My World 2.0 is CD #2 in my car's six-disc rotator
- Stalking JB's Instagram is an hourly exercise. 
(I may or may not also stalk Selena's Instagrams in case she uploads pictures of the two of them together.)
It seems that I also have enough time in the day to photoshop myself in pictures next to Justin.
It's official, I have no shame.  Or dignity, for that matter.

Well, ladies...the time has come.  Justin will be 18 in just a little over two hours.  No longer can anyone judge you...you are now in love with a man.  ......Okay trying not to judge even myself right now.