Bleeding Beauties

Hola, it's been a long time since I wrote my last post regarding Mexican romances-- neither of which exist any longer.  Maybe being featured in gin&dirt brings bad luck in the bedroom.  (It could indeed explain why Taytay has experienced a long series of romances gone bad.)
Between coming back from a semester in Italy, spending my summer slaving away as a D.C. intern, and finally coming back to school for my senior year, I couldn't think of a better time to get back into my blog.  I have an exam tomorrow in biological anthropology (what?) and since swamping myself in notes that I don't understand is not how I'd like to spend my time, how about we use our time a little more wisely? Like recap the fashion at the Emmys?  Yes. Let's go.

I started watching at 5PM EST when E! started coverage of the red carpet-- people started filing in and it was impossible to notice the popular choice color of the night.  Red.  Everywhere you looked, there were lady(s) in red.  Not only were a lot of ladies in red, almost everyone in red looked amaze.  My personal fave of the night:
Nina Dobrev in Donna Karen. 
**Extra sidenote: does Lea Michele EVER look bad on the red carpet? 
Trust me, when I see it, I will be all over it with a new post. 

* In case you don't understand the caption to the picture above, TOM = time of the month. Duh.*

Why red, you ask?  Something must be in the Hollywood water because apparently every female actress has the same menstrual cycle and they all came to the Emmys majorly prepared.  They all chose these little red numbers that cling onto their bodies so tight that they have no room to wear pantyliners underneath their plugged in part.  So just in case they leak a little, they're safe, because their dress now matches the color of their uterine lining. Problem solved.

*Also, Julie Bowden (aka Claire Dunphy) in ODLR was one of my faves, but it wasn't red so it would've ruined the whole picture scheme, but look her Emmy wear up!*

Now onto the worst dressed.  Click picture to enlarge.

Need I say more?  Why, Julianna Marguiles, did you have to come as a bejeweled mummy?  Why, Dianna Agron, did you have to come as a geisha in a wrinkly, no-necklined dress?  Why, Christina Hendricks, did you have to give us boob explosion part two (CLICK HERE FOR PART ONE) and then try to one up last year by just going shy of giving us a vag show as well?  Why, Katie Holmes, are you at the Emmys? 
You haven't been Joey Potter in a while, honey.

Guess red scored big and white & blue were major bummers.  Better luck next year, lapis.

Hot Like Mexico, Rejoice!

Hollywood took many trips to Splitsville recently, but it looks like love is in the air again.  Back-on-the-market the slut from He's Just Not That Into You Scarlett Johansson and the lesbian from the O.C. Olivia Wilde are already sporting new men on their arms.  The common thread?  Looks like Mexico has brought the gals some luck in scoring their new male friends, but unfortunately only one of the two gals gets an A on her new beau; the other gets an F.



Let's start with the A grade.  Olivia Wilde has been spotted brunching with Ryan Gosling at a Mexican restaurant just a month after separating from her hubs.  Nothing better than chips & guac whilst acting coy with Noah Calhoun, no?  Let's get real- whoever doesn't find Ryan Gosling attractive is either
a) A straight boy (but even in that situation...c'mon)
b) A liar
c) Blind
d) Never watched The Notebook. (but you have to be one of options a-c to claim option d.)
e) I'll give you one last option: you saw this GQ cover and thought he was a spitting image of Scott Disick.

Scarlett Johansson on the other hand has traded in Ryan Reynolds, People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, for the Sexiest Woman Alive a man twice her age.  Sean Penn.  Look, he's an excellent actor and he's got good movies, but what could he possibly have that Ryan doesn't?  Wisdom?  I still think Jon Hamm should have beat Ryan out of the SMA title, but Ryan still has a tint of sexy to him.  Sean Penn- meh, not so gifted on the outside -->

The two vacationed in Cabo this past week conversing about God-knows-what over lobsters and margaritas.  Maybe he consoled her on her failed singing career.  Or maybe she consoled him about the fact that the picture on the right is inked on the Internet. 

Anywho.  Guess these two (three?) ladies are happy for now.  May the land of the drug cartels (and their cuisine) bring them more happiness for many months to come. 

Grammys 2011 Wrap Up: Elmo @ Mardi Gras

Living in Italy for a few months has its definite perks, but I've had to make some sacrifices.  I missed the playoffs, the Super Bowl, the Golden Globes, Kourtney & Kim Take Miami and most importantly, the Grammys.  The 6 hour time difference makes it impossible for me to watch these specials; some internet guru needs to upload them to surfthechannel.com (holler Dastardly84 , who fulfills all my television needs while I'm abroad.  The guy literally uploads all of my favorite TV shows a few hours after they've aired.  A genius/convenient internet slave.)

So while I didn't get to enjoy the Grammys to its fullest, I've been trying my best to catch up...checked out the red carpet wear, the performances and tried my best (but to no avail) to avoid pictures of Lady Gaga. 

Although these cave people helped conceal her for a while on the red carpet...all the while proving that Lady Gaga is the biggest attention whore ever.  Trying to get attention by not showing your face...yeah, real mysterious, Stefani Germanotta.  Sorry not sorry but nobody cares anymore.


Must say that Cee Lo Green & Gwyneth Paltrow's "Forget You" duet (alongside the Muppets) was probably the highlight of the show (if you can forget about how Cee Lo forgot the lyrics to his own song...). 

** To the right is Cee Lo Green as (Tickle-Me) Elmo, dressed up as Spartacus, at Mardi Gras.**

I would say that Justin Bieber came in at a very close second, but it led to a performance by Usher, whose yuckiness beats Bieber's loveliness by at least ten fold. Justin can also no longer hit the high notes, which makes me sad...but also happy because it means he is that much closer to surpassing the age of 18.

Sense my obsession love for him here.

Some say the Rihanna/Eminem collabo of the second version of "Love The Way You Lie" was the greatest performance last night.  WRONG. 
This is wrong for two reasons:
1) Cee Lo & Gwyneth were better...
2) How could you enjoy the audio-visual performance, when Rihanna's distracting you with her meh-voice, STILL red hair and her ill-selected outfits that make her look like a belly dancer in the slums of India???  (Nothing wrong with the slums...just the first thing I thought of when I saw this unfortunate ensemble.)

I know what you're thinking.  Cee Lo's outfit really wasn't any better.  But he was surrounded by the muppets- it kind of went with the program, so all is forgiven there.
 


Is it just me or are the Grammys just not as great as they used to be?  With Esperanza Spalding (who? but seriously, we all know who she is now) beating the Biebster on Best New Artist, Lady Gaga's elf shoulders/forehead and hermaphrodites proving their ladyhood...the Grammys is becoming a freakshow.

Whatever happened to simple boy bands professing the shape of their heart?  Or how it doesn't matter about the car he drives or the ice around his neck? 

Can we have them back at next year's Grammys, please?
THROWBACK GRAMMYYYYSSS, PLS!

I Die: Well-Crafted Men [NFL Series]

To commemorate the end of the 2010-2011 season of football (since the Eagles lost tonight, it truly is the end), I gift to you (ladies) my list of top three well-crafted (active) football players.  By well-crafted, I mean not only do they play great football but God clearly spent a little more time on these three specimens- chiseling away at their face, their bi and triceps, and in one case, giving one man a pair of eyes that give Athena a run for her money!
(As if you need a hint but in case you do, Hint: he plays for a very bad team in the NFC East...)

It's a shame that the Barber bros and Kurt Warner no longer play the game. 
I would have had to extend my list to top five for sure.

I can assure you that TOM BRADY did NOT make my list, nor will he ever.  And it's not only because of his awful, AWFUL haircut (or lack thereof!).  Cannot stand him, Belichick or anything Pats.  Sorry to all my lady friends who are on his nuts...but seriously, there are too many of you.  Open your eyes to the men below!

In ascending order:

3) Trent Edwards

Not the most consistent or exceptional player out there, obviously, but he's got the looks!  Let's get real, the NFL isn't a pool of gifted faces.  Linebackers/linemen don't scream "I'm hot", so it's mostly the QBs/WRs that get the girls swooning.  Trent Edwards, you are a beautiful creature.  Just keep on warming that spot on the bench- you're getting paid for it!

2) Mark Sanchez

Channeling Mark Consuelos, Mark Sanchez is such the hottie!  He gets extra hot points for being the only successful newbie QB from his class of rookies.  I must admit though...he looks better with a hat on. His hair is a little too wavy for my liking...I'm thinking if he shaved it all of, he'd have a major edge out on my #1 man...who is:

1) Miles Austin


He even has a ballin' name to match his pretty little face (unlike Dez Bryant who has an awesome name but not-so-awesome face).  How can you deny his light brown color and his devilish eyes?!  THE EYES alone would do it for me, but he has a nice smile, body and skin tone to complete the whole package.  If you don't think Miles Austin is attractive, you are so weird. 

That completes my list.
You're welcome if you've enjoyed the treat, and sorry to those who disagree...if that's the case, share your opinions on who you think are the hottest players in the NFL in the comments section...I wanna know!

Short + Sweet Jake Headliners

Reese Witherspoon got engaged to agent Jim Toth even though she broke up with Jake Gyllenhaal in 2009 because she didn't want to get married.

You are so dumb.  You are really dumb, Reese.  For real.

Let me share with you a mathematical FACT:

Jim Toth is LESS THAN Jake Gyllenhaal.
AKA: YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE AND HAVE DOWNGRADED.
But I must commend you: you've left him single and on the market.
So thank you.

In other Jake news...
TAYJAY IS NO MORE!!! 
Taylor and Jake have officially ended their on-a-whim romance. 
Thank you JESUS!!!!

The universe can now work on other things like providing Rihanna a new wardrobe/stylist or getting rid of the vampire fad. 
Or even making me accidentally bump into freshly-buzzed Zac Efron? ;)  Dreamin' big for 2011!!

Best Couple of 2010: R+J

NOTICE: This is my first entirely positive blog post.  Negativity has been placed on reserve.  Possibly on hold for a post regarding Miley's bong fiasco- in which case the negativity would be placed on you critics, because clearly
MILEY IS NEVER WRONG.  


(Except for when she wore that awful Marchesa dress to the 2010 AMAs
*SEE LEFT*, but even then, it was probably her stylist's fault.)




In the Hollywood ebb and flow of hookups and breakups,
matches are made, played then stay or go away. 

Zac & Vanessa and Ryan & Scarlet may all be back on the market, but I hope this couple plans to make an announcement in the new year:  Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough!

I don't know why they are my favorite couple of 2010- he's orange and a workaholic and I hardly know anything about her- but seeing & reading about them makes me hopeful that love is not made up by the government (a theory introduced to me by my friend, Paul). 

Ryan just looks like such a sweet guy.  He whisked Julianne and his family away for a Parisian getaway this past November, where he treated the two gals in his life with a few Louboutins like he was picking up a check for coffee.

The pair just seems to be a set of genuine and down-to-earth individuals; neither seems to acknowledge their fame in such a way that makes them seem unapproachable or pretentious.  Are they even aware of their celebrity?  Maybe it helped that Ryan used to report celebrity news on E!...creates a degree of separation between him and the big guns (LIKE JAKE GYLLENHAAL. DROOL). 

Julianne just has the sweetest laugh- she seems so cool and she grew up with Mark Ballas, what whaaaaat.  She gets brownie points for that.  Also jealousy points.

Anyway, when they announce their engagement in 2011- you can call me a prophet and I shall follow up with a post.  But in the unlikely event that they take a trip to Splitsville...I will stop blogging altogether.  We shall see what happens!  Until then, happy holidays (aka Merry Christmas) and hope everyone has fun ringing in the new year!  (NKOTBSB is performing on Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve- which is actually hosted by Ryan now- for all those who love watching the ball fall at 12!)

** Yes, I am aware I used the word "seems" like a gazillion times in this post. 
Sorry for my lack of vocabulary. **

Not So Super Superlatives

As a girl who grew up on VH1, naturally, I am addicted to countdowns, top tens (twenties, thirties, forties and fifties) and end-of-the-year recaps.  Off the top of my head, I can tell you that Total Eclipse of the Heart has been proclaimed by VH1 as the #1 saddest song of all time and that George Michael scored #50 of 50 most shocking celebrity confessions.  (Okay the celebrity confessions was an E! special but you get the picture).

Now that December has crept upon us, get ready for end of the year superlatives. 
People Magazine is running a poll for Bests of 2010- vote if you're bored (like me). 

But to be honest, the 11 month anticipation only led to a very subpar list- was 2010 a boring year?  I'm trying to take a jog down pop culture 2010 memory lane but all I can recall are the Kardashian sisters, which begs me to arrive at the conclusion that 2010 was actually a really great year.

I struggled to find 3 categories (from the People Magazine superlatives) to highlight in this blog entry, but I'll showcase what I thought was the most interesting of the 14.

Most Shocking Breakup of 2010

This one was pretty easy, with Eva & Tony running a close second only because the woman Tony cheated with looks like a ding dong.  Courteney Cox and David Arquette- how can you be shocked?  She married a boy 7 years younger than him.  She was practically asking for disaster.  But more importantly, how can you ask David Arquette to stick around a woman who resembles Janice Dickinson more and more with each passing day?  Yeah, that's asking a lot of him.  (Even though I suppose it's him who wants to work on the marriage...these people make no sense.)  Al & Tip probably broke up because she was so over Al demanding credit for inventing the Internet and global warming.

But Sandra and Jesse- just days before word leaked of Jesse's alleged affair with Kat Von D (ew), Sandra gushed over the douche at the SAG Awards!!!  But seriously, why the hell would you trade in an Oscar winning, big-hearted, beautiful mama for a tramp covered in tats?  IT MAKES NO SENSE.  JESSE, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!

Watch from 3:20 onwards and then proceed to get your heart broken.


Who Do You Want To See Less of in 2011?

On my holiday wish list, I wished that Snooki would gain anonymity by this time next year.  Looks like there are more people who agree (thank God).  Looky here- the cast of Jersey Shore won a spot on the ballot for people nobody wants to see as soon as the new year rings in. Let's cross our fingers extra hard that this oompa loompa and her orange friends will go bye-bye next year.

World's Biggest Super Fan

Okay, I've discovered my life nemesis.  Yeah, she might have tackily decorated her room with all things Miley, but if she's a real fan, she will find true value in this video.  Miley singing an inspirational number from her Hannah Montana movie...in her underwear. 
This stuff is gold.



THIS may in fact be the best thing to have ever happened in 2010, hands down.

My (Sort Of) Grown-Up Christmas List

December has crept upon us, and despite the terribly murky weather that has befallen us (in the Northern Virginia area), we are nearing holiday mode

Girls have started (and for some, already finished) a fantasy wish-list for the upcoming holidays; and while The Man Repeller may ask for everything Proenza Schouler, and my friend/sister Tiane, the last bits of the lululemon collection she does not (yet) own, I will be conjouring up a very different list this holiday season.

Sure, designer bags/women's wear/shoes and high-end activewear are nice, but all it takes is a simple trip to the mall or a few clicks of the mouse to acquire these goodies.

I want a challenge.  An act of God.

While the rest of the world will pen a very selfish wish-list, mine will comprise of necessary actions that will benefit every single citizen of this planet.
(With the exception of wish numero uno).

Without further ado.  My 2010 holiday wish list:

1) Jake Gyllenhaal.  That is all.

2) Would love to come across a picture of the Olsen twins in all their enamel glamor before the year is up.  Since their So Little Time days, it seems like these ladies forgot they have teeth.  I guess Mary Kate occasionally forgets she has them since she doesn't use them everyday like normal people.  You know, because the rest of us eat.

3) I need the Academy to reconsider having James Franco and Anna Hathaway host the Oscars this February.  Considering the fact that I am still trying to recover from the 113 minutes lost while sitting through Love & Other Drugs, I cannot have another 3 hours dedicated to this woman.  What was wrong with the trend of hiring established, middle-aged actors/comedians like Hugh Jackman, who oozes sex appeal, or Alec Baldwin, who oozes rage and overall douchiness?

4) Snooki to gain anonymity by this time next year.  Sorry John McCain, but your friend must go.

5) To see Lady GaGa in something other than Alexander McQueen something ladylike would be just lovely.  Perhaps an Oscar de la Renta ensemble?  Or a nice little Alice + Olivia dress.  Bonus points if she treats her feet to lady-sized stilettos (or if we can see her shoes at all).

But then again, maybe super weird people like Gaga are meant to be adorned in muppets and raw meat.

Maybe I'm asking for too much.  Maybe.

But I think if all five things on my holiday wish list were to come true, Someone up there would think there's good reason to extend our livelihoods much longer than 2012.  And then you can thank me for forgoing a wishlist of boots and bags for the sake of your life.

Larger Than Life: NKOTBSB!

I was eight. And in love. His voice was a soothing combination of a chain smoker and an audio book narrator. He had me at “baby, baby” (the love that we had was so strong, don’t leave me hanging here forever. Oh baby, baby, this is not right, let’s stop this tonight). For the next ten years, I would convince myself that by memorizing every single fact about him, I could increase my chances of landing him. His middle name, his favorite color, his birthday, his pets, HIS ADDRESS (which I shamelessly MapQuested). I pretended to overlook the ink that had possessed both of his arms, his countless efforts to rehabilitate from alcohol and drugs, his piercings- telling myself it was part of the bad-boy charm. I hadn't even hit double digits and I was already making excuses for a boy.
AJ McLean, I was so in love with you.

I once considered demoting AJ from my favorite Backstreet Boy and promoting Nick,
but after House of Carters ran an embarrassingly subpar season of reality television, I advised myself not to.
Enlighten yourself below (and I use the word "enlighten" ever so lightly.)



Twelve years later, I am still a fan of the now balding Alexander James McLean. While the last two albums may have been less than Grammy-worthy, hearing any of the songs off their debut - Never Gone albums make me scream like a little, little girl.

My most recent episode: last night watching the American Music Awards, at which the New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys closed the show with their mash up finale. I screamed like a very annoying little girl, but you can't tell me you didn't either (addressed to both genders).



NKOTBSB (New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys) are kicking off a Summer 2011 Tour; dates are being released progressively. They're coming to D.C. to the Verizon Center on Friday, June 3rd, 2011!!! You can get tickets on December 11th if you're checking out the DC show- to check other dates, see here.

SO PUMPED. Who doesn't want to see a stage full of 30-40 year old men singing and "dancing" to tunes addressed to prepubescent girls??! Don't lie...I know you do!!!

P.S.: How can I say AMAs without mentioning my girl, Taytay.  I can't.  The girl was ballin' with her sleek straight hair and fresh cut bangs.  Almost makes it okay that she's dating Jakey Jakey.  (I die). Seriously.  I think she is on a campaign to win me over.  Normally my captions stamped on Taylor pictures reflect my hatred for the gal, but this time, my caption is a reference to:
"WTF, Taylor, now you're perfect.  WTH am I supposed to do now?"

I Want To Marry Harry.

Prince William put a ring on girlyfriend of nine years, Kate Middleton.

It's a sweet story- college sweethearts, a prince marrying a commoner, William honoring his late mother by gifting Kate with Princess Diana's engagement ring- a very sweet story.

Cue remix noise.

A very sweet story until a friend of Kate's once told her "you're lucky to be with William", and she replied, "he's lucky to be with me."
Actually, you're wrong, Kate.  You're a commoner, marrying a future king.
Get real.

St. Andrews (where the two met) wasn't even your first choice.  You attended thanks to mother dearest and her mandate that you go to the school Prince William would be at, beginning your ambitious and unnatural journey to Royalty.  If you went to Edinburgh like you wanted, you'd probably be paying a big tab for an unimportant wedding, but instead, your engagement to William spells out: free wedding courtesy of UK's taxpayers.
A free wedding.  A free (probably Issa) wedding dress.  A free life.

I'm sorry, who's the lucky one again?

But who cares.  About William or Kate?
PRINCE HARRY IS CLEARLY THE HOTTER PRINCE.

How can a girl not get an O after knowing that this great looking redhead (which are super hard to come by) served in the military and served 77 days on the front lines of Afghanistan despite the fact that his royal status could have exempted him from combat?!  Oh and his time was only cut to 77 days because Harry's whereabouts were published on the internet.

Oh my god.

I can't write anymore.

Harry, marry me.