Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

When you see celebrities make less-than-flattering choices about their wardrobe & hair (life decisions being another matter that requires a whole separate blog entry), you can't help but wonder why they thought said decision would be okay when expected to be photographed.

Let's explore some prime examples, shall we?
We shall.

Anna Paquin made her post-marital debut on the red carpet of the 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards just eight days after exchanging vows with blood-sucking leech Steven Moyer (who is arguably hotter than Robert Pattinson, though if you ask me, I say "vampires" are ugly).

I guess now that she's locked down her vampire lover, she sees no need to please the rest of us. I wasn't even going to get to the issue of her teeth because in some strange way it can be charming, but every time I see her in this Alexander McQueen dress, the sensitivity of bringing up her teeth fades. Invest in veneers. See: Hilary Duff, before and after. And Hilary didn't even have bad teeth to begin with.

The excessive hardware on top is a recipe for an orthopedic disaster. The hem in the front is a disaster. The train is a disaster. C'mon. You might as well have come the way you were on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

Okay, do these two pictures really require an explanation?

Snooki looks terrible in everything. At least she got rid of that pouf
(not that her bangs are any better...)






To address the GaGa issue in its entirety, I would need to dedicate a full blog entry and a half as to why she is a complete TRAIN WRECK.

Unfortunately I cannot hold her to the same standards as the other three ladies because GaGa is normal ZERO percent of the time. I would pay to see her in Elie Saab with normal sized pumps and moderate accessories.


So we've seen an ample number of examples of celebrities whose judgment were blind-sighted for whatever reason. And while we may never know what possessed Paquin to roam the carpet with an outfit fit for jousting or why Snooki thinks it's okay for hems to fall right below her bottom and not an inch longer, we must realize that they're human and that everyone makes mistakes.
See below.

Enlarge this photo to experience my lack of judgment to its fullest.

This is me,
circa November 2008.

One eyebrow is almost twice as long as the other, both eyebrows are untrimmed on the ends facing each other and I thought this was such a great picture back in Nov.'08 and proceeded to load an album full of pictures in which you can see a mama caterpillar chase a baby caterpillar on my face...(there are worse pictures than this but I have enough pride to keep those pictures within the limits of my hard drive...but clearly not enough pride to just delete them...)

So while celebrities may have an added responsibility of taking extra precautions to look presentable and just good, know that hindsight is 20/20 and for some reason obvious grooming necessities go overlooked and go unnoticed until later. So forgive the aforementioned ladies (except GaGa and Snooki- for they shall never be forgiven) and look back thru old Facebook pictures to be shocked at what you once thought would be a great picture to share with the Internet. And possibly share your awful photos with me so I can feel better about mine? :)

Party in the LiLo Land?

This is a Class A emergency.

I am addicted to Taylor's new album, Speak Now.
Just kidding. I mean I really am listening to Taylor, but this is not the emergency.

Billy Ray & Tish Cyrus have filed for divorce.

Their "irreconcilable differences" are no concern of mine. The divorce itself is no emergency either. The emergency is that their divorce has provided the perfect excuse for tabloids to exploit for Miley's alleged journey to LiLo land. (LiLo= Lindsay Lohan, duh). Much like how Dina & Michael are being blamed for Lindsay's tragic and bankrupt life.

** Sidenote: ABC Family, please consider playing The Parent Trap in lieu of all other scheduled movies for the remainder of the year so that Lindsay can receive residuals to pay for rehab. **

Going back on topic...
Miley has been charged with first degree sluttiness. See below:

But make no mistake. She is NOT headed towards LiLo Land. She is a trailblazer marking her own territory in a land of forgotten childhood, Hollywood exploitation and exposure to all things sex, drugs and Rock n' Roll. She is not rebelling to compensate for an overload of freckles, red hair and a fire crotch (unlike a certain someone...). She is simply unleashing the Sasha Fierce of Hannah Montana, so LEAVE HER ALONE.

So what if the opening 30 seconds of her "Who Owns My Heart" music video looks like this:

Try playing a character with an alter ego on television for four years and your third (and only real) persona will be screaming to come out of that blonde wig and gummy smile. The necessity of that third and real persona being revealed in the form of an under-aged scantily clad girl while still under a contract with the Disney Channel is questionable...but let's let the 17 year old millionaire do what she wants. It's her pre-ro-ga-tive. (Read it the way Britney "sings" it in her song.)

So magazines/Perez/tabloids/fellow bloggers, when you feel the urge to blame Billy Ray & Tish for Miley's lady years, watch this sweet scene from Hannah Montana, The Movie and remember that you can blame Tish because she's irrelevant, but don't you tamper with Billy Ray's achy, breaky heart. He was with Miley thru the Hannah years as well as the Miley years. God bless Billy Ray and may he have been smart enough to sign a pre-nup. (But let's get real. Miley is 100x richer than either of her parents...)

Introducing Hollywood's Worst.

Kristen Stewart. What a freakin' weirdo.

No longer are award shows fun to watch because:

Uno: Sandra Bullock? Zoe Saldana? Jennifer Aniston? (okay Jen hasn't come out with anything great recently since Friends but she was on the 2010 Peoples' Choice Awards ballot for some female award.) Who? These big-screen mamas deserve trophies and recognition but you won't see them gracing the stage with gold popcorn or a surf board anymore. No. Instead, you will see this:



Dos: Which brings me to my second point. Not only must you watch K undeservingly accept awards, you must watch her thank people for them. An excruciating 45 seconds no one should have to ever endure. See below for a second example:



At least you're consistent, K. The countless "uhs" are not annoying at all.

Tres: She is a character on Twilight. That is all.

Quatro: Her hair always looks like it's unwashed and greasily sleeked back. C'mon, K. It's called dry shampoo.

Cinco: As much as I hate K.Stew and her utter apathy towards life, I typically find her red carpet wear far more acceptable than her acceptance speeches. Which doesn't say much so let me translate: I love her red carpet wear (50% of the time...).

Considering that my love for K is a
consistent ZERO percent,
it bugs me that I even remotely like
whatever she's wearing at these events that she should not even be attending. For a gal who lacks poise and general social skills, at least she's not a total disaster when taking pictures. This can probably be credited to the fact that walking on a piece of carpet requires no talking. Thank.The.Lord.

But despite her gorgeous attire at the above three events, we must remember we are talking about Kristen Stewart, possibly the most unfortunate asset to Western pop culture next to Snooki and Russel Brand.
Therefore, please allow me to finish off this entry by highlighting K's most amazing outfit of all:

*Drumroll please, even though the picture is already mirrored to the left of this fake drumroll...*

<-- Ta-da. Dis-as-ter.

Taylor is One Sneaky Biotch.

Taylor is one sneaky biZ (SB).
For the following reasons:

Uno: Although every cell in my body resents her, she manages to pop into my life several times a day via Twitter (by others), People Magazine online, and other channels of Hollywood gossip.
-->

Dos: Despite her inability to actually sing, she has somehow managed to be recruited to perform at every award show. Only a SB could pull off being asked to perform live after 4 years of living proof that she is Ashlee Simpson, reincarnated.

*Confessional: I tried to YouTube a video of her singing horribly live, but it looks as though she got better...or I've been completely dramatic about her singing...*

<-- Tres: She is somehow stealing the hearts of some of the most coveted men- even with those eyes of hers that make her hair look like it's being pulled back too far.


Quatro: Despite laws against monopolies, this SB has sneaked her way into the airwaves every eight minutes.

With the release of her new album Speak Now, we've come to find that Taylor has had a slew of men that she's tampered with on the side since Joe Jonas. (Mostly) all kept quiet until now...and what better way to disclose her relations with some of Hollywood's hottest than in a song that will quickly be glued onto the lips of every single pre and post pubescent being in America. And I say "being" because Taylor-fever knows no gender. Just ask my brother, David (19), who has a playlist on his iPod titled "Fantastic Females"- one of which said fantastic female being Taytay herself.

So first I read that Taylor has written a song called "Dear John" on the new album, allegedly about infamously douche-baggy John Mayer. Part of the lyrics read:
"Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?
The girl in the dress, cried the whole way home.
I should've known."
Um, yes, Taylor. You should have known. Were you residing under a rock when Rolling Stone featured and interviewed John in its February issue?
This is the guy who publicly stated that Jessica Simpson was like "sexual napalm" and then proceeded to up his douche factor by saying:
"Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, "I want to quit my life and just fuckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you."

Please excuse John's french.


I haven't reviewed any of the other songs on her album yet (besides "Mine", duh) but there has to be without a doubt a song or two on this record referring to her werewolf ex-boyfriend. If there isn't, then snaps for you for putting that pinched face behind you. -->








Now onto her latest fling.
JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
Seriously cannot & will not believe this to be true.
WHY, JAKE, WHYYYY!?
The only way this would be okay would be if Taylor got the Prince of Persia version of Jake.


** Side Note: omg as I'm writing this blog, I am watching a Target commercial of Taylor advertising her Speak Now album. I seriously cannot escape this chick. She's inserted herself EVERYWHERE!!! **

Sigh. Spending my time and energy bashing on Taylor is quite tiring.
So let me finish up here.

While I've listed several reasons as to why I hate Taylor Swift, there is one reason why I resent her, and it's got to be the biggest reason of all.
Her. songs. are. so. damn. catchy.

I really do try to hate her songs, but
HOW CAN I?
THEY ARE SO GOOD.

So here is my love&hate post all wrapped into one blog post.
Taylor Swift, you are the definition of contradiction in my dictionary.
I don't know what to do with myself when you're shuffling (or intentionally played) on my iTunes/iPod...you hypnotize me four minutes at a time with your studio-enhanced vocals. I love it.