Get Off Royal Soil

Is it just me or is anyone else sick of reading about the Royal family?

I mean, if it's not about Lisa Vanderpump, I really don't give.

Between the morning sickness, speculation of twins, and those two Australian assholes who joked their way into being held responsible for Kate's suicidal nurse, the Royals really have a way of marking their territory on the Internet's most precious real estate.  (www.people.com : Beverly Hills :: www.foursquare.com : Camden, NJ.)
If you thought you never had to comprehend these post-'90s, consider it a vintage brain exercise.
Because if you're on www.foursquare.com you really don't understand the point of foursquare.
I mean, you can't become mayor via desktop.

Just wondering...when Kate Middleton voms, is it a slightly more glam form of upchuck?
Are there rose petals involved?  Or just processed Rose from dinner?
Is it marketable on eBay?  Someone just tried to sell dirt from JB's hometown, surely this could sell.
Trying to picture it, but honestly, this gal doesn't even look like she goes #2. 

I can't believe I'm saying this but I wish Lindsay would just crash another car, Amanda would get another mugshot, Rihanna would go back to Chris Brown...oh wait, did all these gals already max out to the point of irrelevancy?  Sorry gals, you guys are just way past playing cover girl for Hollywood's most troubled. 

I guess here's to Kate, to having a stress-free pregnancy and to hoping that her bab(ies) get a little more of Harry's genes than William's.  Except maybe the hair color.  But on sheer volume, we definitely need to pull from Harry's gene pool.  

Kate, we know you're gonna be a great mom, but that makes for boring stories.  We need you to clear out so that we can keep track of how messed up Britney's kids are gonna be.

Thanks in advance for packing up your things and making the exit.  Promise you won't make another appearance on the interwebs until due date?  Good.  I really need to keep up with the important stuff.  You know, like Khloe's heartbreakingly futile efforts to bear children.

This Week In Model Citizens: Honey Boo Boo

I am already completely ashamed of the fact that I'm dedicating attention and a full post to the following, but this is just one of those things that is just so bad you have to watch it-- attention must be paid.

This girl is literally the manifestation of diet coke + mentos in human form.
(If you don't understand that reference, you probably did not have a childhood.) 

Her mom looks like a huge meth head. (literally a huge one). 
She also looks like Frankenstein. With a super long face.  And no neck.
She is probablyyy going to hell for making her child drink her concoction of red bull + mountain dew on the daily so that her daughter has enough energy to entertain us idiotic Americans who encourage this kind of behavior by providing Nielsens the stats to allow TLC to continue running this sh-tshow.

Just wondering....how does a six year old know how to even talk like this?  "Dollar makes me holla, honey boo boo"?  If child services isn't currently navigating through the back roads of Georgia right now, this world is going to be really messed up by 2020.  (Random, inappropriately placed PSA: also going to be really messed up by 2016 if you vote for Obama.)  

My favorite part of HBBC is that she constantly grabs all the fat in her abdomen and pushes it forward for everyone to see and she claims that judges who are deterred by this "don't know a good thing when they see it."  You tell 'em, Alana.
Now let me tell you something: you are so wrong, it's not even funny disgusting.

You thought TLC maxed out at showcasing monster mommys with Kate Gosselin...you were wrong.
Kate was crazy, but she wasn't trying to reduce the life expectancy of her children by threefold.

If you hadn't had the slightest idea of HBBC before this post, I'm sorry I somehow found a way to kill 782 of your brain cells while engaging you in a productive activity, reading.  But I should probably get props for accomplishing that.  And sorry that I've teased your curiosity to open up a new tab in your browser,  go to YouTube, and then proceed to type in the most ridiculous consecutive four words to ever autopopulate in the internet's search engine.  But I'm not that sorry because you are probably laughing right now.

Party in the Neverland

If you haven't seen photos of Miley turned Tinkerbell over the last couple days, you don't have access to the internet.  Go to your local public library and buy yourself a clue. 

Actually ,on second thought, spare yourself.
Buy Miley a clue instead.

Homegirl needs to remember she is engaged, not yet married, which means Liam can dash at any time whenever he wants. This new 'do may be the trigger to his exit.

Note to Miley: the duckface peace signs cannot salvage this look of yours, so please stop trying.  But also showing teeth does not help either so...just hide out for a while, yeah?

If you're really that bored post-Hannah Montana, couldn't you have just opted for another shot at the bong?  Or make a tutorial for a sluttier version of the Hoedown Throwdown? Or like, just go walk your dog? 

This is just asking for Liam to pull a K.Stew cheat on you.
You know this is embarrassing for him, right?
How rude.

If you find your left hand three and a half carats lighter in the next month or two, you have only yourself to blame for writing your own fate.
I heard boys don't really like dating girls who look like boys.  But screw those people, right?

Wrong.

Miley, better stash up on the kale.
It's a long road from ear length to shoulders.

And so I end with this:

Sorry, not possible. 

Jengaged

Our old little Jen finally scored a big ole' rock on her finger post-Brad.  Well, let's assume it's a big one...even though we've never heard of Justin Theroux pre-Jen-snatchup.  So who'll make it down the aisle for the second time first?  Brad or Jen?

If Justin so much as has ten brain cells above those super arched eyebrows of his, he'll get their license tomorrow morning.
Let's face it...'til now, Jen's pretty much been losing...at life...to Angelina; at least give her this.  Plus, her eggs are depleting.  And Angelina already has fifty three kids.  Add another tally to the Angelina column. 

Yes, this is exciting-- after fleeing her wedding pre-nuptials from Barry Farber and ten seasons of the torturous game of on-again-off-again with Ross Geller and getting cheated on by (and divorced from) Brad Pitt...the gal deserves a shot at true love...even if only one of the three aforementioned situations actually happened in real life.

So here's to Jen, may life be kind to you and have left you enough eggs to successfully pro-create so that you can outdo Angelina by having children that don't resemble the Hanson bros or suffer from gender ambiguity.   Cheers.

P.S. Someone please call me when Scott finally becomes a Kardashian Kourtney finally becomes a Disick.

This Week in Model Citizens

Famous people are exemplary human beings; if you ever find yourself pregnant wondering how you should raise your forthcoming child, just make them watch The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, Mean Girls then Georgia Rule-- in that order-- throw in some trashy VH1 shows in between and they will turn out to be all you ever hoped and dreamed for them to be. (Note: including Herbie Fully Loaded in the mix might do more damage than called for.)

Let's take a look at the douches making headlines this week.

John Edwards
Who?  Remember the annoying man who pretended to care about poor people who also pretended like he had a chance against Obama or Hilary in 2008?  Okay, so he doesn't fall quite in the same demographic as everyone else on this blog but today he cannot go unmentioned.  He was found not guilty today for 6 counts of...stuff...basically all for campaign fraud. Your $25 donation paid for 1/6 of his haircut (probably just one sideburn), or your $250 donation paid for a one-way ticket to get Rielle Hunter the hell out of the same city as the late Elizabeth Edwards.  Buyer's remorse?  Sorry. Can't help you.

Let's rewind: the dude ran for presidency in 2008 in the midst of an affair with some rando "actress" named Rielle Hunter (please name me one movie she has been in) while his wife, Elizabeth, was dying from cancer.  If that does not constitute "asshole", then there are some really messed up people out there.   Then he illegally used a bunch of campaign money to do things like hide Rielle from the world and get $500+ haircuts (serious, google it).

After his case was declared a "mistrial", Edwards gave some lame statement in which he said "I don't think God's through with me.  I really believe he thinks there are still some good things I can do."  Hopeful, party of one?  Delusional, party of one?  Regardless, for the rest of your life, Eddie, you're gonna be just a party of one.  See ya in another life, bro.
(Or not.  I'm kind of hoping I end up in Heaven.)

Kathie Lee Gifford
How drunk is this lady at 7AM EST?  We all know Kathie Lee and Hoda are basically alcoholics but at least wait 'til like 9AM to take your first swig, jeez.

This morning she interviewed Martin Short, bringing up the topic of his wife, asking how long they've been married, reaffirming that the two are still "madly in love" and that they still make each other laugh.  Ummm, Mrs. Short has been dead for two years.  Making a corpse laugh is probably super awkward.  And also totally not funny.

KLG: next time, maybe just do an airplane bottle.  Or drink water.  I heard it's good for you.

Facebook
I know you're not a person, but you were a real B this week.

JB: Boy II Man

In 2004, we witnessed the countdown of the Olsen twins turning "legal", leaving behind their jail-bait statuses and entering into an era of sex, drugs and anorexia freedom to do whatever they want. Oh yeah, and finally access to their billions of dollars their daddy had locked up. Which only led to more of the above. 

Who said boys are the only ones that have the capacity to be this creepy?  Girls can get just as anxious at the thought of their dream boy having the ability to engage in consensual activities without judicial consequences.
The only difference is, boys will count down the days to almost anyone's legality...from the Olsen Twins...to Dakota Fanning (who is like eternally 12 years old)...to basically any girl who gets their own Disney Channel TV show.  

Justin, posing in the same exact scheming manner that we often do in secrecy.

Girls on the other hand, practice a little more self-control and selectivity.  It takes a very special kind of boy for us to keep tabs on his eighteenth birthday.  Actually more like only one boy ever in history.  And no, it's not Fred Savage. His name rhymes with Bustin Jeeber.

Lucky for us JB, like the rest of us, suffers from mortality.  He can't stay 14 forever (thank God).  He will inevitably face the consequences of aging (see: JB's Proactiv endorsement deal).  One said consequence: an outburst of women fans flying out of the JB-closet because once he's 18, it seems slightly more acceptable to love this tiny monopolizer of women.

Some of us ladies, (Tiane and myself included) have never been shameful of admitting our love for the Biebster.  

- Watching Never Say Never is a weekly activity
- My World 2.0 is CD #2 in my car's six-disc rotator
- Stalking JB's Instagram is an hourly exercise. 
(I may or may not also stalk Selena's Instagrams in case she uploads pictures of the two of them together.)
It seems that I also have enough time in the day to photoshop myself in pictures next to Justin.
It's official, I have no shame.  Or dignity, for that matter.

Well, ladies...the time has come.  Justin will be 18 in just a little over two hours.  No longer can anyone judge you...you are now in love with a man.  ......Okay trying not to judge even myself right now.

Oscars in the Hamptons?

Finishing off awards season was tonight's Oscars' red carpet.  The stars saved their best for last and for me, white was the color of the night.  Is it summertime in the Hamptons?  Or has white just been lobbying Hollywood for some time in the spotlight this season?  I guess since we've been lacking snow and winter weather this year, the celebs have decided to slip into attire reminiscent of summertime in hopes of ushering in the sunshine a little early this year.

First of all, even though G is just a red carpet host (and not an Oscar attendee) she was dressed and done up to the nines.  Like perfection.  It was all so good.
Octavia Spencer never disappoints and always graces in Tadashi Shoji.  This is her third Shoji number this season and her third time proving that even if you're not a zero, you can definitely still stun on the red carpet!!! Love it.
Milla Jovovich: so elegant in Elie Saab-- so old Hollywood glam.  So pretty even though I have no idea who she is.

...I don't want to say it, but my best dressed of the night was Stacey Kiebler...
Honestly, she has looked amaze all season but I've just been suppressing my feelings...til now.  I was just really sad that George dumped Elisabetta for this young thing, but I cannot hold it in any longer...she is a vision.  From the Golden Globes (red) to the Screen Actors Guild (black) to the Oscars (gold), she has been consistently beautiful next to the most beautiful man in Hollywood (and Como).  Sigh.  What a lucky gal.

* Adding to the growing list on why Stacey Keibler's a witch (the first one being that George started dating her immediately after dumping Elisabetta) she wore this stunning gold Marchesa dress, when Leslie Mann (aka Jane of the Jungle) was supposed to wear it. *

Aaaaand now to the GREATEST red carpet moment of all time. 

Ryan Seacrest unfortunately interviewed Sacha Baron Cohen in character.  Dressed up as The Dictator, (Cohen's upcoming mockumentary) Cohen came up to Seacrest with urn in hand, containing "remains" of Kim Jong Il (which was really Bisquick mix).  As soon as Cohen said "As Sadaam Hussein once told me...'socks are socks, don't waste money'" I knew the interview was going south.  Well it did.  Cohen went on to pour the entire contents of the urn all over Ryan's Burberry tux...what the hell.  In the words of Stephanie Tanner: "How Rude!"

At least it made for a funny moment...don't know how funny Ryan thought it was but poor Ry...one of the nicest guys...why couldn't Cohen do it to Ross Matthews instead??!
Happy Oscars viewing, all!  I'm hoping The Descendants sweeps it this year (although Hugo has taken the reigns as of now...) and that Best Picture goes to Midnight in Paris (even though it probably won't).

Jeremy Lin. This is a Pun-Free Zone. You're Welcome.

Okay, we are at a point where we've absolutely exhausted the Jeremy Lin jokes (especially the puns...) but of all the ones out there, my favorite was "who is this Jeremy Lin and how do I get him to do my homework?"  

If you're reading this, you probably fall in the demographics that describe you as 'not interested in sports or athletes' except for the ones the Kardashians have dated/married.  And that's okay.  But if you don't know who Jeremy Lin is by now, you probably started Lent a few weeks early and cut yourself off from social media networks.  And if you're not religious, maybe you have selective hearing/sight and cringe at anything that takes you back to Tebow Time. 

So who is Jeremy Lin?
A god-fearing, persevering hopeful who was twice-released but is now single-handedly rocking MSG.

If you thought JB was the only one that was capable of doing that, think again.  

Naturally there have been rumors that Jeremy Lin and Kim Kardashian are having a rendezvous...but let's give Jeremy the benefit of the doubt and lay these rumors to rest for now.  Let's give Kim some credit too...dating someone just across the bridge from the Humps seems insensitive.  We know she knows better.
So if not Kim...who?  Let's take a took at some eligible bachelorettes for the NBA's most unlikely mister.


1) Leighton Meester

Sounds like a fantastic pair...it really would be the scandalous life of Manhattan's elites. 

Why this is perfect: no one has to relocate.  They can skip all the drama that comes with pairing up with a non-local (see: Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries in Kourtney and Kim Take New York.)  Jeremy is rumored to be moving in from the suburbs into FiDi, so they'll both be in the same borough.  Plus, who else thinks Jeremy and Dorota could be BFFs?  I certainly do.


2) Kristin Kreuk

Her Smallville days might be over and she may have slipped into obscurity, but there's no question that she's still a beauty and certainly eligible for an NBA spectacular's love.

Why this is perfect: she is half Chinese. Let's face it...there aren't that many stars in Hollywood looking for an Asian boyf...and while some may compromise on that for Jeremy, we'd know Kristin would be vying for Jeremy's love sans ulterior motives.

3) Vanessa Hudges

Though she's basically dating no one now dating Austin Butler (?), Vanessa was once very much into basketball players, one in particular named Troy Bolton.  So much so that she decided to date the real life Troy Bolton, Zac Efron, for four years.

Why this is perfect: must I spell it out?
Jeremy Lin is a basketball player...
The only caveat: sorry Vanessa, but Jeremy might not enjoy taking naked pictures of you on his cell phone as much as Zac did.  But if you can wait 'til marriage, I'd say Jeremy is a good investment. 

Here's to Jerbear finding a lifetime galpal now that he's known by all...and Jeremy, if none of the girls above work out, I know plenty of friends who would die to have you.

She Found Giorgio in a Hopeless Place

Continuing with awards season was the Grammys last night....nothing special happened last night except for that Adele shamelessly told everyone she had snot coming down her nose while accepting Album of the Year.  That's not embarrassing at all.  But let's get real, she can do whatever she wants, eat whatever she wants and say whatever she wants because she swept the Grammys this year. 

Instead of solely recapping the Grammys red carpet wear (which was mostly hideous by the way; Julianne Hough was my best dressed), I will instead award superlatives to the three gals who deserve it most.

1) NICKI MINAJ IS PROBABLY DESTINED FOR HELL.



First she stumbles on the red carpet in a cape-like getup with a bishop as her plus one. ...huh?  And then she performs 3 hours later and it all makes sense.........uhhh but does it?

I just feel psychologically violated. 

I don't really know what else to say....except for this battle between Nicki and GaGa on who can put together the most annoying musical performance is really getting out of hand and it's starting to dictate where they'll be spending their time in the afterlife.
Pack a bikini ladies, 'cause it's real hot where you're headed.  Maybe a leather one...you know, because leather isn't flammable.



 
2) RIHANNA WAS A VISION.  THIS LITERALLY NEVER HAPPENS.

Rihanna in Giorgio Armani...blonde hair...neutral make-up...plunging v-neck...
I love it all. 
This is all foreign territory, incorporating "Rihanna" and "love" together in a sentence when referring to her stylistically.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves here...I am sure she will immediately disappoint at her next public appearance.

I honestly have nothing fun to say about her.
Maybe she should go back to red hair and ugly clothes so I can have more exploitable blog material...





3) KATY PERRY IS GRIEVING IN INAPPROPRIATE WAYS.

Okay, KP, we'll cut you some slack since you're going through a potentially difficult time in your life...although we'd really like to think that divorcing Russel Brand is the next best thing to never having to ever meet Russel Brand in the first place.

Don't know what compelled you to go back two decades backstage...where do you even find a krimper these days

And grieving through personifying fictional Dr. Seuss characters is very strange and is a testament to how weird your childhood was.  It's okay, we won't blame you for that one...you can't control the fact that your parents were LSD-heads-turned-into-missionaries-and-forbid-you-to-watch-Dirty-Dancing. (<--- that is true, watch her E! True Hollywood Story).



Aaaaand to top off this Grammys post, let's take a look at some memorable Grammy styles from the past:
 

Ken, Taken By T (Taylor or Tiane?)

Admit it-- you grew up playing with Barbies, cutting her hair, changing her clothes, peeking underneath her clothes, using her as a puppet, etc.--
but it was always more fun to play with Barbie if you also had a Ken doll. 





Fast forward to high school and you realize there is a real-life Ken doll out there and he goes by the name:
Zac Efron.  Then you hear that he takes naked pictures of his girlfriend on his cell phone (google this one on your own, no link provided) and this triggers a mixed feeling of confusion and envy.  You are befuddled by the fact that Michael Bolton's lovechild Troy Bolton and Gabriella Montez do more choreography than what is directed by Kenny Ortega and then you also feel this pang of jealousy that makes you want to crawl out of your skin and into Vanessa Hudgens'.  All this contributes to your strange and misguided teen years, but that's another story.

Then you're about to graduate college and maybe by now you've
moved on to more mature men-- the likes of Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling...George Clooney (if you're a classic overachiever and going for above and beyond minimal maturity...silver hair is obviously living proof of full-blown maturation.)  And just as you've mentally distracted yourself from Zac, you hear that he's been spotted engaged in a cozy dinner with none other than Taytay. 
In the words of Celine Dion, it's all coming back to me now.


A montage of daydreams flashes in front of your face: you're singing karaoke with Zac on a cruise ship on NYE; you're standing in the bleachers of a high school basketball court, in the dark, and there's a spotlight on you-- a synthesized drumbeat follows and you and a sweaty, jerseyed Zachary serenade each other; you are at rehearsal on the set of a very dark stage, gazing into Zac's eyes...the dreams go on and on-- sorry, we don't have time to get into all of it.


Your obsession with real-life-Ken-doll comes back at you at 682mph and smacks you in the face.
Taylor is one sneaky witch!!!
AS IF it wasn't enough that she had Jake G. last year, the witch had to go find more inspiration for song material. 
It's okay, Taylor...we'd forgive you if you just stopped making songs altogether.
.......jk...currently obsessed with "Sparks Fly".      and "Enchanted"....

                                

Let's all just cross our fingers that Z&T's dinner was a casual get-together between castmates after a long day of recording their voices for an animated film.  Allegedly that's all it was, and life will just be easier if you believe it to be true.  But ladies, just because Zac isn't taken by Taytay doesn't mean he's open for business...he belongs to my friend Tiane-- and that's a Z&T I can approve of!

Charlize Theron FTW!

Tonight was the night of the Golden Globes...and let's get real, the only thing we care about this poor man's hybrid of the Oscars + the Emmys is the red carpet wear (and the fact that it's completely studded in Harry Winston.)  For an award show that nominated The Tourist as eligible for any kind of award and brings in Zach Galifianakis' father Ricky Gervais as the perennial host...we don't care what happens post 7:59PM EST/4:59PM PST.

Let me lead with who I thought was the most stunning gal on the red carpet, hands down, no contest.
Charlize Theron.
In Dior, of course, in nude/blush-- which seemed to be the color of the night (see Giuliana Rancic & Kate Beckinsale).   I literally said "whoa" out loud when I saw her on the carpet-- so stunning!  Quite the opposite of her in Monster.  You would think a headband has no place at the Globes, but it does-- on Charlize's head.  (And not on Michelle Williams', just to be clear...)

To complete my list of the top five best dressed are: Nicole Richie in a Julien Macdonald beaded number, coupled with fresh bangs and a little Harry Winston; Rooney Mara in a slick hairdo and regrown eyebrows-- looked so good with the Nina Ricci tulle vesting her torso-- she has the likings of Kristen Stewart, a little awk, but definitely more socially acceptable; Sofia Vergara came as a blue Vera Wang mermaid decorated with Harry Winston after supposedly doing two-a-days to get ready to fit into her slimming dress...it's too bad she endorses Pepsi...if she just stuck to a strictly Diet Coke diet, she wouldn't have had to hit the gym at all; and we finish off with Jessica Alba in a lavender Gucci bejeweled gown, who I do not have extra commentary on.  Except for that seven years from now her daughter will probably hate her for naming her Honor.

Before we get to the slew of poorly dressed pagans on the red carpet, let's just address a couple of things...
1)                                                                                                             2)

<--- The most anticipated appearance tonight was supposedly Angelina Jolie because it's Angelina Jolie and she was STUH-NING last year in her Versace diamond-encrusted emerald down last year.  In her defense, the bar was set really high after last year, so it would have been hard to top...but it seems as though Angelina thought it was Halloween and that she would come dressed as a Christian Louboutin shoe.

Maria Menounos --->

trying to holler at the most celibate famous man in the world next to Nick Jonas.
                       

Tilda Swinton...
just not even
trying at life.


Now I leave you with a montage of all the worst dressed peoples that rolled up on the red carpet in LA today...
sorry for the eye sores.