Best Couple of 2010: R+J

NOTICE: This is my first entirely positive blog post.  Negativity has been placed on reserve.  Possibly on hold for a post regarding Miley's bong fiasco- in which case the negativity would be placed on you critics, because clearly
MILEY IS NEVER WRONG.  


(Except for when she wore that awful Marchesa dress to the 2010 AMAs
*SEE LEFT*, but even then, it was probably her stylist's fault.)




In the Hollywood ebb and flow of hookups and breakups,
matches are made, played then stay or go away. 

Zac & Vanessa and Ryan & Scarlet may all be back on the market, but I hope this couple plans to make an announcement in the new year:  Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough!

I don't know why they are my favorite couple of 2010- he's orange and a workaholic and I hardly know anything about her- but seeing & reading about them makes me hopeful that love is not made up by the government (a theory introduced to me by my friend, Paul). 

Ryan just looks like such a sweet guy.  He whisked Julianne and his family away for a Parisian getaway this past November, where he treated the two gals in his life with a few Louboutins like he was picking up a check for coffee.

The pair just seems to be a set of genuine and down-to-earth individuals; neither seems to acknowledge their fame in such a way that makes them seem unapproachable or pretentious.  Are they even aware of their celebrity?  Maybe it helped that Ryan used to report celebrity news on E!...creates a degree of separation between him and the big guns (LIKE JAKE GYLLENHAAL. DROOL). 

Julianne just has the sweetest laugh- she seems so cool and she grew up with Mark Ballas, what whaaaaat.  She gets brownie points for that.  Also jealousy points.

Anyway, when they announce their engagement in 2011- you can call me a prophet and I shall follow up with a post.  But in the unlikely event that they take a trip to Splitsville...I will stop blogging altogether.  We shall see what happens!  Until then, happy holidays (aka Merry Christmas) and hope everyone has fun ringing in the new year!  (NKOTBSB is performing on Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve- which is actually hosted by Ryan now- for all those who love watching the ball fall at 12!)

** Yes, I am aware I used the word "seems" like a gazillion times in this post. 
Sorry for my lack of vocabulary. **

Not So Super Superlatives

As a girl who grew up on VH1, naturally, I am addicted to countdowns, top tens (twenties, thirties, forties and fifties) and end-of-the-year recaps.  Off the top of my head, I can tell you that Total Eclipse of the Heart has been proclaimed by VH1 as the #1 saddest song of all time and that George Michael scored #50 of 50 most shocking celebrity confessions.  (Okay the celebrity confessions was an E! special but you get the picture).

Now that December has crept upon us, get ready for end of the year superlatives. 
People Magazine is running a poll for Bests of 2010- vote if you're bored (like me). 

But to be honest, the 11 month anticipation only led to a very subpar list- was 2010 a boring year?  I'm trying to take a jog down pop culture 2010 memory lane but all I can recall are the Kardashian sisters, which begs me to arrive at the conclusion that 2010 was actually a really great year.

I struggled to find 3 categories (from the People Magazine superlatives) to highlight in this blog entry, but I'll showcase what I thought was the most interesting of the 14.

Most Shocking Breakup of 2010

This one was pretty easy, with Eva & Tony running a close second only because the woman Tony cheated with looks like a ding dong.  Courteney Cox and David Arquette- how can you be shocked?  She married a boy 7 years younger than him.  She was practically asking for disaster.  But more importantly, how can you ask David Arquette to stick around a woman who resembles Janice Dickinson more and more with each passing day?  Yeah, that's asking a lot of him.  (Even though I suppose it's him who wants to work on the marriage...these people make no sense.)  Al & Tip probably broke up because she was so over Al demanding credit for inventing the Internet and global warming.

But Sandra and Jesse- just days before word leaked of Jesse's alleged affair with Kat Von D (ew), Sandra gushed over the douche at the SAG Awards!!!  But seriously, why the hell would you trade in an Oscar winning, big-hearted, beautiful mama for a tramp covered in tats?  IT MAKES NO SENSE.  JESSE, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!

Watch from 3:20 onwards and then proceed to get your heart broken.


Who Do You Want To See Less of in 2011?

On my holiday wish list, I wished that Snooki would gain anonymity by this time next year.  Looks like there are more people who agree (thank God).  Looky here- the cast of Jersey Shore won a spot on the ballot for people nobody wants to see as soon as the new year rings in. Let's cross our fingers extra hard that this oompa loompa and her orange friends will go bye-bye next year.

World's Biggest Super Fan

Okay, I've discovered my life nemesis.  Yeah, she might have tackily decorated her room with all things Miley, but if she's a real fan, she will find true value in this video.  Miley singing an inspirational number from her Hannah Montana movie...in her underwear. 
This stuff is gold.



THIS may in fact be the best thing to have ever happened in 2010, hands down.

My (Sort Of) Grown-Up Christmas List

December has crept upon us, and despite the terribly murky weather that has befallen us (in the Northern Virginia area), we are nearing holiday mode

Girls have started (and for some, already finished) a fantasy wish-list for the upcoming holidays; and while The Man Repeller may ask for everything Proenza Schouler, and my friend/sister Tiane, the last bits of the lululemon collection she does not (yet) own, I will be conjouring up a very different list this holiday season.

Sure, designer bags/women's wear/shoes and high-end activewear are nice, but all it takes is a simple trip to the mall or a few clicks of the mouse to acquire these goodies.

I want a challenge.  An act of God.

While the rest of the world will pen a very selfish wish-list, mine will comprise of necessary actions that will benefit every single citizen of this planet.
(With the exception of wish numero uno).

Without further ado.  My 2010 holiday wish list:

1) Jake Gyllenhaal.  That is all.

2) Would love to come across a picture of the Olsen twins in all their enamel glamor before the year is up.  Since their So Little Time days, it seems like these ladies forgot they have teeth.  I guess Mary Kate occasionally forgets she has them since she doesn't use them everyday like normal people.  You know, because the rest of us eat.

3) I need the Academy to reconsider having James Franco and Anna Hathaway host the Oscars this February.  Considering the fact that I am still trying to recover from the 113 minutes lost while sitting through Love & Other Drugs, I cannot have another 3 hours dedicated to this woman.  What was wrong with the trend of hiring established, middle-aged actors/comedians like Hugh Jackman, who oozes sex appeal, or Alec Baldwin, who oozes rage and overall douchiness?

4) Snooki to gain anonymity by this time next year.  Sorry John McCain, but your friend must go.

5) To see Lady GaGa in something other than Alexander McQueen something ladylike would be just lovely.  Perhaps an Oscar de la Renta ensemble?  Or a nice little Alice + Olivia dress.  Bonus points if she treats her feet to lady-sized stilettos (or if we can see her shoes at all).

But then again, maybe super weird people like Gaga are meant to be adorned in muppets and raw meat.

Maybe I'm asking for too much.  Maybe.

But I think if all five things on my holiday wish list were to come true, Someone up there would think there's good reason to extend our livelihoods much longer than 2012.  And then you can thank me for forgoing a wishlist of boots and bags for the sake of your life.

Larger Than Life: NKOTBSB!

I was eight. And in love. His voice was a soothing combination of a chain smoker and an audio book narrator. He had me at “baby, baby” (the love that we had was so strong, don’t leave me hanging here forever. Oh baby, baby, this is not right, let’s stop this tonight). For the next ten years, I would convince myself that by memorizing every single fact about him, I could increase my chances of landing him. His middle name, his favorite color, his birthday, his pets, HIS ADDRESS (which I shamelessly MapQuested). I pretended to overlook the ink that had possessed both of his arms, his countless efforts to rehabilitate from alcohol and drugs, his piercings- telling myself it was part of the bad-boy charm. I hadn't even hit double digits and I was already making excuses for a boy.
AJ McLean, I was so in love with you.

I once considered demoting AJ from my favorite Backstreet Boy and promoting Nick,
but after House of Carters ran an embarrassingly subpar season of reality television, I advised myself not to.
Enlighten yourself below (and I use the word "enlighten" ever so lightly.)



Twelve years later, I am still a fan of the now balding Alexander James McLean. While the last two albums may have been less than Grammy-worthy, hearing any of the songs off their debut - Never Gone albums make me scream like a little, little girl.

My most recent episode: last night watching the American Music Awards, at which the New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys closed the show with their mash up finale. I screamed like a very annoying little girl, but you can't tell me you didn't either (addressed to both genders).



NKOTBSB (New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys) are kicking off a Summer 2011 Tour; dates are being released progressively. They're coming to D.C. to the Verizon Center on Friday, June 3rd, 2011!!! You can get tickets on December 11th if you're checking out the DC show- to check other dates, see here.

SO PUMPED. Who doesn't want to see a stage full of 30-40 year old men singing and "dancing" to tunes addressed to prepubescent girls??! Don't lie...I know you do!!!

P.S.: How can I say AMAs without mentioning my girl, Taytay.  I can't.  The girl was ballin' with her sleek straight hair and fresh cut bangs.  Almost makes it okay that she's dating Jakey Jakey.  (I die). Seriously.  I think she is on a campaign to win me over.  Normally my captions stamped on Taylor pictures reflect my hatred for the gal, but this time, my caption is a reference to:
"WTF, Taylor, now you're perfect.  WTH am I supposed to do now?"

I Want To Marry Harry.

Prince William put a ring on girlyfriend of nine years, Kate Middleton.

It's a sweet story- college sweethearts, a prince marrying a commoner, William honoring his late mother by gifting Kate with Princess Diana's engagement ring- a very sweet story.

Cue remix noise.

A very sweet story until a friend of Kate's once told her "you're lucky to be with William", and she replied, "he's lucky to be with me."
Actually, you're wrong, Kate.  You're a commoner, marrying a future king.
Get real.

St. Andrews (where the two met) wasn't even your first choice.  You attended thanks to mother dearest and her mandate that you go to the school Prince William would be at, beginning your ambitious and unnatural journey to Royalty.  If you went to Edinburgh like you wanted, you'd probably be paying a big tab for an unimportant wedding, but instead, your engagement to William spells out: free wedding courtesy of UK's taxpayers.
A free wedding.  A free (probably Issa) wedding dress.  A free life.

I'm sorry, who's the lucky one again?

But who cares.  About William or Kate?
PRINCE HARRY IS CLEARLY THE HOTTER PRINCE.

How can a girl not get an O after knowing that this great looking redhead (which are super hard to come by) served in the military and served 77 days on the front lines of Afghanistan despite the fact that his royal status could have exempted him from combat?!  Oh and his time was only cut to 77 days because Harry's whereabouts were published on the internet.

Oh my god.

I can't write anymore.

Harry, marry me.

A Race to the Altar: Nick vs. Jess

Finally.
Nick Lachey put a ring on it.
"It" being Vanessa Minnillo, girlyfriend of four years.

Already?
Eric Johnson put a ring on it.
"It" being Jessica Simpson, gurrrlfriend of four months.

Let's do a quick timeline, shall we?

 

December 2005:  Nick and Jess call it quits.  It may or may not have to do with the fact that Nick just couldn't take it anymore- "Is it chicken or is it fish?" Jess asks. "IT'S FISH YA IDIOT!!!" yells Nick, followed by a slew of expletives.  Divorce papers follow.
April 2006: Nick spits his game on an MTV VJ whom he dates for the next four years.  Who even remembers that they temporarily split up in 2009?  I guess you do now.  You're welcome. V then goes on to tell the entire world that she showers with Nick everyday, twice a day.  V, showering that often is really bad for your hair.
2007-2009: Jess dates Tony Romo & John Mayer.  ...that's all I have to say.
July 2010: Jess starts dating Eric Johnson...an NFL player?  Apparently.  Drafted 7th round, currently a free agent...so basically she is just dating Eric Johnson, normal citizen of the USA.
November 5, 2010: V is ecstatic that her beau finally put a rock on her finger.
November 11, 2010: Jess tells Ryan Seacrest that she is very happy for Nick.
November 11, 2010 at 11pm: Jess demands that Eric propose, as to keep up with her ex.
November 14, 2010: Oh my gosh! What a surprise! Jess is engaged just 9 days after Nick!! Total coincidence!!!!!!!!!!!

I've learned that you should give people the benefit of the doubt, but I really can't in this situation.  I mean, c'mon...nine days later Jess is engaged to a guy who she's only dated for four months???  Even if Eric had planned to propose to Jess around the same time, if I were him, I'd purposely wait it out for a month or two just to avoid the press/rumors that the engagement was a way to rival Nick's engagement.  Or at least keep it hush-hush for a while.  Who are Eric and Jess' PR people? Sheesh.

It gets worse.  He got her a ruby center stone ring.
If you ask me, no woman's engagement ring should consist of three different colors.
(Hers being white for diamond, gold for band and red for ruby.)

Good luck Nick and Jess on your second marriages.  May it not lead to subpar reality shows or records professing love 'til your deaths, because we all know how that played out last time around...

Spencer's Stones. Stupid.

Remember when Speidi went crazy over healing crystals and spent over $400,000 on them? (Jeez, I'm impressed they had money leftover after hiring an elephant to come to Enzo's birthday party. Haha! You thought I was gonna say plastic surgery, didn't you?  Got'ems!)

If one was wondering where they could get their hands on these (fake) healing crystals, I have found them for you.  And I say fake not because I doubt the effectiveness of these questionable sediments (actually, I do), but because if you click on the link to the website that sells them, you'll see that these rocks are going for $5-$50. 
Uh, hello.  I'm not dumb. I can do simple math.
If Speidi spent $400,000+ on healing crystals, they must've bought some functional $#!^ with real healing powers.

 If you want to waste $45 and purchase the Rose Quartz bracelet, it claims to "encourage self-love and calmness.[it's] perfect for a personal day off to take care of yourself."  Mmm. I'm sure.
It would also go great with your Halloween costume. From 15 years ago (if you're currently 20).  Yeah, I'm talking about your Disney Princess costume.

This has to be the worst
endorsement deal ever.
Lady, you got Spencer Pratt to endorse your solid blocks on a string?! 
 (Not trying to devalue your product by describing it in a patronizing manner...don't worry, your products naturally depreciate in value every time you get a new hit on your website.)
Betcha could sell more without any endorsement deal.

Tiger Woods --> Nike.  (Oh wait.  Did he get dropped for doing something bad...?)
LeBron James --> Nike. (We are all witnesses of a fame monster. Not the GaGa kind.  But hey, I don't judge.  Or watch basketball.)
Rihanna --> CoverGirl. (Yeaaaah, but you covered that up, girl, when Chris socked you in the face.) I'm so clever I want to cry.
The Kardashians --> QuickTrim (But I think Khloe quit ever since she married Lamar...)

All these stars are amongst the top of their game.  Golf.  Basketball. Music. (Reality) TV.

I suppose Spencer is at the top of something too.
On top of 5'5" worth of silicone and on top of Scott Disick on the list of biggest douchelords to ever walk the planet.


So (self-proclaimed) Rock Lady, good luck with your business.
Let me know when it goes bunkers like Heidi's mom's restaurant in Colorado. 


P.S. How is it possible that EVERY single time I'm updating, Taylor Swift is on TV??!
Seriously, this has to be a breach of some anti-trust laws.  She's currently performing (my favorite song off her new album) at the CMAs.  Terrible, as per usual.  Taytay, I'd forgive love you if you lip-synched.  Try it sometime.
Please note how surprised she is to receive awards in the picture to the left. This is actually the same exact expression on my face when she wins, except mine is a lot slightly angrier.

Listen Up, Kim K. (BTW, I LOVE YOU)

If you don't already know about my love for the Kardashian Klan,
you obviously don't own a Twitter account.

Everyone from Bruce to Kim to Kylie and all the kiddos in between- each one of the 8 (maybe 9 if you count Mason, but he really hasn't proven himself yet...) family members is currently renting out a piece of my heart. Especially Rob. Except that he has the biggest man crush on Lamar.

I get my daily dose of Kourtney, Kim & Khloe via Twitter and it's always fun to see them when it's on their terms (KUWTK, their websites) rather than on others' (magazines, online, etc.)

Except for when Kourtney posted an outrageously pretentious picture of Scott walking around with a cane on her website....how necessary.
Way to up your douche factor ten fold, Scottie.

** Side Note: I am currently watching Dancing With The Stars and Taytay is performing "Mine" on the Results Show. It's official, this Sneaky Biotch (SB) has paid YouTube to remove all subpar performances off of its website to rid of all evidence proving that Taytay is the biggest SB to ever walk the planet!! **

So when I say that it's always fun to see the Kardashians on their own terms rather than on others', it's for this very reason: People Magazine has reported that Kim Kardashian is in the works of producing a (musical) album with The Dream.

For a girl who insulted Paris Hilton's songs at a club, Kim is really digging herself a hole here. Just when I thought the girl was flawless. In fact, she upped her "flawless factor" by showing her viewers that she's not a total snob and money squanderer when she wore the same shirt twice, seven episodes apart. (FYI: I am not the world's greatest stalker (actually I might be) but thanks to my childhood obsession with the game Memory and my incessant replaying of old Kardashian episodes, I was able to recognize the shirt the second time when she was telling Reggie who's boss.)

Kim, listen up. You can build an empire without an (subpar) album. Perfume, endorsements, a TV show, executive producer, and National Football League dating extraordinaire are enough to constitute the resume of a growing empire. Seriously.  
Do not do the album.

Spend that studio time elsewhere doing something that will create a sought out product.
Exempli Gratia:
I know I spent my Saturday morning lazily laying in bed indulging in the four (five?) page spread (W Magazine sized pages, might I add). I would not, however, spend a Saturday night getting ready to your heavily auto-tuned tunes. You are better than Paris and Heidi, who have both face planted in the music industry (haha!) So spare yourself, and my unwavering (for now) love for you and your family. Don't embarrass me yourself.

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

When you see celebrities make less-than-flattering choices about their wardrobe & hair (life decisions being another matter that requires a whole separate blog entry), you can't help but wonder why they thought said decision would be okay when expected to be photographed.

Let's explore some prime examples, shall we?
We shall.

Anna Paquin made her post-marital debut on the red carpet of the 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards just eight days after exchanging vows with blood-sucking leech Steven Moyer (who is arguably hotter than Robert Pattinson, though if you ask me, I say "vampires" are ugly).

I guess now that she's locked down her vampire lover, she sees no need to please the rest of us. I wasn't even going to get to the issue of her teeth because in some strange way it can be charming, but every time I see her in this Alexander McQueen dress, the sensitivity of bringing up her teeth fades. Invest in veneers. See: Hilary Duff, before and after. And Hilary didn't even have bad teeth to begin with.

The excessive hardware on top is a recipe for an orthopedic disaster. The hem in the front is a disaster. The train is a disaster. C'mon. You might as well have come the way you were on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

Okay, do these two pictures really require an explanation?

Snooki looks terrible in everything. At least she got rid of that pouf
(not that her bangs are any better...)






To address the GaGa issue in its entirety, I would need to dedicate a full blog entry and a half as to why she is a complete TRAIN WRECK.

Unfortunately I cannot hold her to the same standards as the other three ladies because GaGa is normal ZERO percent of the time. I would pay to see her in Elie Saab with normal sized pumps and moderate accessories.


So we've seen an ample number of examples of celebrities whose judgment were blind-sighted for whatever reason. And while we may never know what possessed Paquin to roam the carpet with an outfit fit for jousting or why Snooki thinks it's okay for hems to fall right below her bottom and not an inch longer, we must realize that they're human and that everyone makes mistakes.
See below.

Enlarge this photo to experience my lack of judgment to its fullest.

This is me,
circa November 2008.

One eyebrow is almost twice as long as the other, both eyebrows are untrimmed on the ends facing each other and I thought this was such a great picture back in Nov.'08 and proceeded to load an album full of pictures in which you can see a mama caterpillar chase a baby caterpillar on my face...(there are worse pictures than this but I have enough pride to keep those pictures within the limits of my hard drive...but clearly not enough pride to just delete them...)

So while celebrities may have an added responsibility of taking extra precautions to look presentable and just good, know that hindsight is 20/20 and for some reason obvious grooming necessities go overlooked and go unnoticed until later. So forgive the aforementioned ladies (except GaGa and Snooki- for they shall never be forgiven) and look back thru old Facebook pictures to be shocked at what you once thought would be a great picture to share with the Internet. And possibly share your awful photos with me so I can feel better about mine? :)

Party in the LiLo Land?

This is a Class A emergency.

I am addicted to Taylor's new album, Speak Now.
Just kidding. I mean I really am listening to Taylor, but this is not the emergency.

Billy Ray & Tish Cyrus have filed for divorce.

Their "irreconcilable differences" are no concern of mine. The divorce itself is no emergency either. The emergency is that their divorce has provided the perfect excuse for tabloids to exploit for Miley's alleged journey to LiLo land. (LiLo= Lindsay Lohan, duh). Much like how Dina & Michael are being blamed for Lindsay's tragic and bankrupt life.

** Sidenote: ABC Family, please consider playing The Parent Trap in lieu of all other scheduled movies for the remainder of the year so that Lindsay can receive residuals to pay for rehab. **

Going back on topic...
Miley has been charged with first degree sluttiness. See below:

But make no mistake. She is NOT headed towards LiLo Land. She is a trailblazer marking her own territory in a land of forgotten childhood, Hollywood exploitation and exposure to all things sex, drugs and Rock n' Roll. She is not rebelling to compensate for an overload of freckles, red hair and a fire crotch (unlike a certain someone...). She is simply unleashing the Sasha Fierce of Hannah Montana, so LEAVE HER ALONE.

So what if the opening 30 seconds of her "Who Owns My Heart" music video looks like this:

Try playing a character with an alter ego on television for four years and your third (and only real) persona will be screaming to come out of that blonde wig and gummy smile. The necessity of that third and real persona being revealed in the form of an under-aged scantily clad girl while still under a contract with the Disney Channel is questionable...but let's let the 17 year old millionaire do what she wants. It's her pre-ro-ga-tive. (Read it the way Britney "sings" it in her song.)

So magazines/Perez/tabloids/fellow bloggers, when you feel the urge to blame Billy Ray & Tish for Miley's lady years, watch this sweet scene from Hannah Montana, The Movie and remember that you can blame Tish because she's irrelevant, but don't you tamper with Billy Ray's achy, breaky heart. He was with Miley thru the Hannah years as well as the Miley years. God bless Billy Ray and may he have been smart enough to sign a pre-nup. (But let's get real. Miley is 100x richer than either of her parents...)

Introducing Hollywood's Worst.

Kristen Stewart. What a freakin' weirdo.

No longer are award shows fun to watch because:

Uno: Sandra Bullock? Zoe Saldana? Jennifer Aniston? (okay Jen hasn't come out with anything great recently since Friends but she was on the 2010 Peoples' Choice Awards ballot for some female award.) Who? These big-screen mamas deserve trophies and recognition but you won't see them gracing the stage with gold popcorn or a surf board anymore. No. Instead, you will see this:



Dos: Which brings me to my second point. Not only must you watch K undeservingly accept awards, you must watch her thank people for them. An excruciating 45 seconds no one should have to ever endure. See below for a second example:



At least you're consistent, K. The countless "uhs" are not annoying at all.

Tres: She is a character on Twilight. That is all.

Quatro: Her hair always looks like it's unwashed and greasily sleeked back. C'mon, K. It's called dry shampoo.

Cinco: As much as I hate K.Stew and her utter apathy towards life, I typically find her red carpet wear far more acceptable than her acceptance speeches. Which doesn't say much so let me translate: I love her red carpet wear (50% of the time...).

Considering that my love for K is a
consistent ZERO percent,
it bugs me that I even remotely like
whatever she's wearing at these events that she should not even be attending. For a gal who lacks poise and general social skills, at least she's not a total disaster when taking pictures. This can probably be credited to the fact that walking on a piece of carpet requires no talking. Thank.The.Lord.

But despite her gorgeous attire at the above three events, we must remember we are talking about Kristen Stewart, possibly the most unfortunate asset to Western pop culture next to Snooki and Russel Brand.
Therefore, please allow me to finish off this entry by highlighting K's most amazing outfit of all:

*Drumroll please, even though the picture is already mirrored to the left of this fake drumroll...*

<-- Ta-da. Dis-as-ter.

Taylor is One Sneaky Biotch.

Taylor is one sneaky biZ (SB).
For the following reasons:

Uno: Although every cell in my body resents her, she manages to pop into my life several times a day via Twitter (by others), People Magazine online, and other channels of Hollywood gossip.
-->

Dos: Despite her inability to actually sing, she has somehow managed to be recruited to perform at every award show. Only a SB could pull off being asked to perform live after 4 years of living proof that she is Ashlee Simpson, reincarnated.

*Confessional: I tried to YouTube a video of her singing horribly live, but it looks as though she got better...or I've been completely dramatic about her singing...*

<-- Tres: She is somehow stealing the hearts of some of the most coveted men- even with those eyes of hers that make her hair look like it's being pulled back too far.


Quatro: Despite laws against monopolies, this SB has sneaked her way into the airwaves every eight minutes.

With the release of her new album Speak Now, we've come to find that Taylor has had a slew of men that she's tampered with on the side since Joe Jonas. (Mostly) all kept quiet until now...and what better way to disclose her relations with some of Hollywood's hottest than in a song that will quickly be glued onto the lips of every single pre and post pubescent being in America. And I say "being" because Taylor-fever knows no gender. Just ask my brother, David (19), who has a playlist on his iPod titled "Fantastic Females"- one of which said fantastic female being Taytay herself.

So first I read that Taylor has written a song called "Dear John" on the new album, allegedly about infamously douche-baggy John Mayer. Part of the lyrics read:
"Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?
The girl in the dress, cried the whole way home.
I should've known."
Um, yes, Taylor. You should have known. Were you residing under a rock when Rolling Stone featured and interviewed John in its February issue?
This is the guy who publicly stated that Jessica Simpson was like "sexual napalm" and then proceeded to up his douche factor by saying:
"Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, "I want to quit my life and just fuckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you."

Please excuse John's french.


I haven't reviewed any of the other songs on her album yet (besides "Mine", duh) but there has to be without a doubt a song or two on this record referring to her werewolf ex-boyfriend. If there isn't, then snaps for you for putting that pinched face behind you. -->








Now onto her latest fling.
JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
Seriously cannot & will not believe this to be true.
WHY, JAKE, WHYYYY!?
The only way this would be okay would be if Taylor got the Prince of Persia version of Jake.


** Side Note: omg as I'm writing this blog, I am watching a Target commercial of Taylor advertising her Speak Now album. I seriously cannot escape this chick. She's inserted herself EVERYWHERE!!! **

Sigh. Spending my time and energy bashing on Taylor is quite tiring.
So let me finish up here.

While I've listed several reasons as to why I hate Taylor Swift, there is one reason why I resent her, and it's got to be the biggest reason of all.
Her. songs. are. so. damn. catchy.

I really do try to hate her songs, but
HOW CAN I?
THEY ARE SO GOOD.

So here is my love&hate post all wrapped into one blog post.
Taylor Swift, you are the definition of contradiction in my dictionary.
I don't know what to do with myself when you're shuffling (or intentionally played) on my iTunes/iPod...you hypnotize me four minutes at a time with your studio-enhanced vocals. I love it.