Freeze Frame: Queen Latifah & Kristin Chenoweth.

The Oscars. 
Arguably the most important awards show of the season...and yet the red carpet wear was subpar compared to the Golden Globes, SAG and the Grammys.  Snooze.  It's like reading about Peeta and how heroic he is in the written word, and then seeing the measly Josh Hutcherson.  #disappointing.

Best Dressed: Kristin Chenoweth, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Garner.  Jamie Foxx's daughter.

You can google them if you're really curious, but let's review some other non-garment related highlights.

1) When Queen Latifah and Kristin Chenoweth stood next to each other.  The sheer contrast. They are opposites in every sense of the word.  Height. Weight. Voice pitch. Color.  Whoever thought they should ever be in the same frame is...evil.  Here are some people who are clearly more eloquent than I:





It looked not much different than the scenario to my right -->

KChen & Queenz standing together was just as wrong as Bradley's hair, his mother's feathery shoulders, and Bradley not providing stilts six inch heels for his madre on the one night anyone would ever know she is.  #rude  #badson



2) Charlize Theron just waltzing onto the red carpet saying "what up bitch Anne Hathaway" without actually saying anything at all.  #mypixieisbetterthanyours

3) Amy Adams thinking she is still in the movie Enchanted.

Probably because pretending like she is married to Patrick Dempsey is wayyyy better than actually being married to Sacha Baron Cohen...or is that Isla Fisher...same diff. 

4) Kristin Stewart thinking she is at her endorsement meeting for dry shampoo.

5) Annnnd drumroll please-- rounding out the top 5: Chris Evans' face. 

Grammys 2013: JT In "Suit & Tie", Bey in Pants

Just as I thought Justin Timberlake schooled everyone in menswear and somehow managed to steal attention away from even the ladies, Bey showed up in pants and gave JT a run for his money.  (P.S. John Mayer, please take notes.  Velvet lapis suits are not the best.  Or even mediocre.)  Who knew I'd start off recapping the Grammys by mentioning how great people who covered up their lower extremities looked?  Just goes to show, those who follow the rules, win.  Or not.  Because Rihanna showed up, showcasing her body's reaction to frigid temperatures, and looked ahhhmayyzzzing.

Sidenote(s): why do they keep inviting LL Cool J to be the host? I mean if Ricky Gervais finally got passed on for other options, can't we do the same here?  Can someone tell Carly Rae Jepsen about tanning beds?  Also, Faith Hill trying to give me shingles. 

Leave it to Rihanna & J.Lo to completely disregard CBS' wardrobe advisory.

Jennifer Lopez flipped the bird at CBS by coming in a thigh-high dress.  Throwback to 2000 Grammys. And Angelina Jolie at Oscars 2012.  Apparently she is either a) illiterate, b) has bad (or good?) publicists, or c) just trying to twist the knife, since dating a 25 year old post-divorce isn't enough.

Rihanna decided to cover up-- sort of. She opted for the sheer look, not opting for fashion tape. Also not opting for safety, seeing that she is back with CB.


BEST DRESSED

Apparently Carrie and Taytay have a fued going.  You may say, "who cares?" and you're right...it's not important.  Except for that it is because it seems like only Carrie will say what everyone else is thinking: Taylor, get the hell out of the 'country' genre and stop stealing all our awards.   Not that Carrie actually said that, but I am going to assume that is the reason why Carrie won't play nice.

Kelly Rowland seriously flirting with the CBS attire guidelines.  And looking great doing so.

And we conclude with the greatest eye candy of the night, Justin Timberlake, in a Tom Ford suit and (bow)tie:

You can really only fully appreciate the hair tonight after taking a stroll down NSYNC memory lane.

Mary Camden is one lucky gal. 
(Cue YouTube video of Jessica Biel on 7th Heaven set to a Backstreet Boys song.) 

SAG 2013: Nicole Kidman Came As Keith Urban

SAG Awards are special because your peers vote for the winner.  Snooze.  This award show is soooo important it is on TBS. AND TNT.  But people wear dresses to this event (surprisingly this does not include Ross Matthews) so at least the red carpet is watchable.  (As was Sophia Vergara's part in the opening variety monologues).

Highlights: Giuliana Rancic thinking dubstep is a dance and trying to get all the stars to try to "dubstep" with her...and nobody telling her that it is actually music that sounds like Transformers suffering from a major case of diarrhea.   And Bradley Cooper.  Just standing there.  Speaking French.  Cue Jesse Katsopolis: Have Mercy. 

Rather than deal with those who opted not to look into a mirror before televising the atrocity that was, well...them, here are those who just made me chuckle inside:  Alec Baldwin with the now vintage Bieber haircut (c'mon, even Justin is too old for that), Amy Poehler also going for the vintage look, sporting spaghetti straps, Julia Stiles just looking like a huge bitch and Nicole Kidman wearing Keith's hair.

BEST DRESSED

How random that Katrina Bowden (Badgley Mischka) is my best dressed for SAG 2013.  Just another 30 Rock win. 

Looks like best dressed came in pairs this year-- two in metallic/silver, two in black and two in navy.  Forgive the flash on Julie Bowen's leather...looked much better on video.

Allow me to go off tangent here for a sec and move into bash-child-actors territory for a moment. 

Aubrey Anderson-Emmons (aka Lily in Modern Family) is literally the worst child actor, dare I say it, of all time.  She is almost as monotone as Kourtney Kardashian. Watching her just makes me think how great the days were of Fred Savage, Michelle Tanner...Miley Cyrus.

If you are seriously doubting that last one, I suggest you watch this video and brush all doubts aside, once and for all.  Doubt you could be that sassy at age 11 even if your mom took your Polly Pockets away from you for two days.  Or who knows, maybe you were a hayuuuggge brat.  In that case, you seriously missed a calling in life.

Only Old People Smile With Their Teeth: Golden Globes 2013

It's January...this can only mean one thing.  You will compile a list of completely unattainable goals in an effort to better yourself, but really only just set yourself up for a disappointingly repeated, older (and none the wiser) version of yourself from the year before.  Because change is overrated.  It's awards season.  Duh.

I couldn't have been less interested in who won this year.  I haven't seen any of the movies or TV shows nominated (excluding Breaking Bad, PS I can't believe we have to wait 'til SUMMER to see Hank go Chris Brown on Bryan Cranston's ass.)   Apparently Homeland took it away on the television front...no surprise there...at least 48% of my Facebook newsfeed is comprised of statuses related to the show.  Even though I have read the premise of the show on Wikipedia three times now and still can't really figure out what it's about.  To be fair, any time middle eastern locations are thrown into any given sentence, I automatically go ADHD. 

I digress.  The real reason this post is here is to see worst and best dressed.  Let's see who managed to make us "want to die" or managed to make us want to gouge our eyes out this year.  (See last year's Golden Globes review here.  Remember Charlize Theron in Dior??)

Let's start off with the ladies in white.  There was a good amount of white on the Red Carpet this year, all looking pretty good. (Though that may be due too the lighting on white, taking away from any detailing that may actually be pretty horrific.)  Apparently there is some sort of contest out in Hollywood for Seasonique's next endorsement deal.  Good luck ladies...may the odds be ever in your drug-induced-infertility favor.  

BEST DRESSED

My top picks for tonight are these ladies, in no particular order...yet slightly in the order in which they are pictured.
1) Jennifer Garner: in a red Vivienne Westwood number, mama's lookin' good.  She is clearly not in the running for the Seasonique deal.  She is basically wearing menstrual camo.
2) Julianna Margulies: (okay this is random and no offense to Julianna, but does anyone else think she looks like Asa from Shahs of Sunset?)  representing the middle-aged demo at the Globes very well tonight in Emilio Pucci.
3) Julianne Hough: in Monique Lhullier...just stunning. Unlike her performance in Footloose v2.

4) Katharine McPhee: what are you doing with your life these days?  I guess it doesn't really matter...looking great in a chic, minimalist Theyskens' Theory dress. 

5) Kerry Washington: (the hair gives her an extra 10 points) this Miu Miu embellishments-on-sheer beats out allll the other Zuhair Murad embellishments-on-sheer ever in history.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Kristen Bell looked amazing tonight with that "I have a human being growing inside me" glow about her.
Also looking fab: Mrs. Doubtfire's ex-wife. 
Honestly, they should probably both be in the top five, but word on the street is that pregnant people and grandmas aren't real lookers, so I resorted to the list above. Sorry, I am soooo conventional.

WORST DRESSED
Let's start off with the ladies who came adorned in the most hideous of ensembles, yet managed to come paired, arm-in-arm, with gorgeous male specimans.  I guess these ladies invested in the accessories division but I mean, you knew you were going to be photographed tonight, right?
WORST of these goes to: Rachel Weisz.  Way to come with arguably the most gorgeous man of the hour while simultaneously supporting one of the worst fashion collaborations of all time (Louis Vuitton x Yayoi Kusama.) 

Continuing the worst dressed are gals who decided that patterns were a way to go.  WRONG.

There you have it.  Globes 2013.  It has now become too late to come up with some sort of witty conclusion, soooo...bye.