Larger Than Life: NKOTBSB!

I was eight. And in love. His voice was a soothing combination of a chain smoker and an audio book narrator. He had me at “baby, baby” (the love that we had was so strong, don’t leave me hanging here forever. Oh baby, baby, this is not right, let’s stop this tonight). For the next ten years, I would convince myself that by memorizing every single fact about him, I could increase my chances of landing him. His middle name, his favorite color, his birthday, his pets, HIS ADDRESS (which I shamelessly MapQuested). I pretended to overlook the ink that had possessed both of his arms, his countless efforts to rehabilitate from alcohol and drugs, his piercings- telling myself it was part of the bad-boy charm. I hadn't even hit double digits and I was already making excuses for a boy.
AJ McLean, I was so in love with you.

I once considered demoting AJ from my favorite Backstreet Boy and promoting Nick,
but after House of Carters ran an embarrassingly subpar season of reality television, I advised myself not to.
Enlighten yourself below (and I use the word "enlighten" ever so lightly.)



Twelve years later, I am still a fan of the now balding Alexander James McLean. While the last two albums may have been less than Grammy-worthy, hearing any of the songs off their debut - Never Gone albums make me scream like a little, little girl.

My most recent episode: last night watching the American Music Awards, at which the New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys closed the show with their mash up finale. I screamed like a very annoying little girl, but you can't tell me you didn't either (addressed to both genders).



NKOTBSB (New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys) are kicking off a Summer 2011 Tour; dates are being released progressively. They're coming to D.C. to the Verizon Center on Friday, June 3rd, 2011!!! You can get tickets on December 11th if you're checking out the DC show- to check other dates, see here.

SO PUMPED. Who doesn't want to see a stage full of 30-40 year old men singing and "dancing" to tunes addressed to prepubescent girls??! Don't lie...I know you do!!!

P.S.: How can I say AMAs without mentioning my girl, Taytay.  I can't.  The girl was ballin' with her sleek straight hair and fresh cut bangs.  Almost makes it okay that she's dating Jakey Jakey.  (I die). Seriously.  I think she is on a campaign to win me over.  Normally my captions stamped on Taylor pictures reflect my hatred for the gal, but this time, my caption is a reference to:
"WTF, Taylor, now you're perfect.  WTH am I supposed to do now?"

I Want To Marry Harry.

Prince William put a ring on girlyfriend of nine years, Kate Middleton.

It's a sweet story- college sweethearts, a prince marrying a commoner, William honoring his late mother by gifting Kate with Princess Diana's engagement ring- a very sweet story.

Cue remix noise.

A very sweet story until a friend of Kate's once told her "you're lucky to be with William", and she replied, "he's lucky to be with me."
Actually, you're wrong, Kate.  You're a commoner, marrying a future king.
Get real.

St. Andrews (where the two met) wasn't even your first choice.  You attended thanks to mother dearest and her mandate that you go to the school Prince William would be at, beginning your ambitious and unnatural journey to Royalty.  If you went to Edinburgh like you wanted, you'd probably be paying a big tab for an unimportant wedding, but instead, your engagement to William spells out: free wedding courtesy of UK's taxpayers.
A free wedding.  A free (probably Issa) wedding dress.  A free life.

I'm sorry, who's the lucky one again?

But who cares.  About William or Kate?
PRINCE HARRY IS CLEARLY THE HOTTER PRINCE.

How can a girl not get an O after knowing that this great looking redhead (which are super hard to come by) served in the military and served 77 days on the front lines of Afghanistan despite the fact that his royal status could have exempted him from combat?!  Oh and his time was only cut to 77 days because Harry's whereabouts were published on the internet.

Oh my god.

I can't write anymore.

Harry, marry me.

A Race to the Altar: Nick vs. Jess

Finally.
Nick Lachey put a ring on it.
"It" being Vanessa Minnillo, girlyfriend of four years.

Already?
Eric Johnson put a ring on it.
"It" being Jessica Simpson, gurrrlfriend of four months.

Let's do a quick timeline, shall we?

 

December 2005:  Nick and Jess call it quits.  It may or may not have to do with the fact that Nick just couldn't take it anymore- "Is it chicken or is it fish?" Jess asks. "IT'S FISH YA IDIOT!!!" yells Nick, followed by a slew of expletives.  Divorce papers follow.
April 2006: Nick spits his game on an MTV VJ whom he dates for the next four years.  Who even remembers that they temporarily split up in 2009?  I guess you do now.  You're welcome. V then goes on to tell the entire world that she showers with Nick everyday, twice a day.  V, showering that often is really bad for your hair.
2007-2009: Jess dates Tony Romo & John Mayer.  ...that's all I have to say.
July 2010: Jess starts dating Eric Johnson...an NFL player?  Apparently.  Drafted 7th round, currently a free agent...so basically she is just dating Eric Johnson, normal citizen of the USA.
November 5, 2010: V is ecstatic that her beau finally put a rock on her finger.
November 11, 2010: Jess tells Ryan Seacrest that she is very happy for Nick.
November 11, 2010 at 11pm: Jess demands that Eric propose, as to keep up with her ex.
November 14, 2010: Oh my gosh! What a surprise! Jess is engaged just 9 days after Nick!! Total coincidence!!!!!!!!!!!

I've learned that you should give people the benefit of the doubt, but I really can't in this situation.  I mean, c'mon...nine days later Jess is engaged to a guy who she's only dated for four months???  Even if Eric had planned to propose to Jess around the same time, if I were him, I'd purposely wait it out for a month or two just to avoid the press/rumors that the engagement was a way to rival Nick's engagement.  Or at least keep it hush-hush for a while.  Who are Eric and Jess' PR people? Sheesh.

It gets worse.  He got her a ruby center stone ring.
If you ask me, no woman's engagement ring should consist of three different colors.
(Hers being white for diamond, gold for band and red for ruby.)

Good luck Nick and Jess on your second marriages.  May it not lead to subpar reality shows or records professing love 'til your deaths, because we all know how that played out last time around...

Spencer's Stones. Stupid.

Remember when Speidi went crazy over healing crystals and spent over $400,000 on them? (Jeez, I'm impressed they had money leftover after hiring an elephant to come to Enzo's birthday party. Haha! You thought I was gonna say plastic surgery, didn't you?  Got'ems!)

If one was wondering where they could get their hands on these (fake) healing crystals, I have found them for you.  And I say fake not because I doubt the effectiveness of these questionable sediments (actually, I do), but because if you click on the link to the website that sells them, you'll see that these rocks are going for $5-$50. 
Uh, hello.  I'm not dumb. I can do simple math.
If Speidi spent $400,000+ on healing crystals, they must've bought some functional $#!^ with real healing powers.

 If you want to waste $45 and purchase the Rose Quartz bracelet, it claims to "encourage self-love and calmness.[it's] perfect for a personal day off to take care of yourself."  Mmm. I'm sure.
It would also go great with your Halloween costume. From 15 years ago (if you're currently 20).  Yeah, I'm talking about your Disney Princess costume.

This has to be the worst
endorsement deal ever.
Lady, you got Spencer Pratt to endorse your solid blocks on a string?! 
 (Not trying to devalue your product by describing it in a patronizing manner...don't worry, your products naturally depreciate in value every time you get a new hit on your website.)
Betcha could sell more without any endorsement deal.

Tiger Woods --> Nike.  (Oh wait.  Did he get dropped for doing something bad...?)
LeBron James --> Nike. (We are all witnesses of a fame monster. Not the GaGa kind.  But hey, I don't judge.  Or watch basketball.)
Rihanna --> CoverGirl. (Yeaaaah, but you covered that up, girl, when Chris socked you in the face.) I'm so clever I want to cry.
The Kardashians --> QuickTrim (But I think Khloe quit ever since she married Lamar...)

All these stars are amongst the top of their game.  Golf.  Basketball. Music. (Reality) TV.

I suppose Spencer is at the top of something too.
On top of 5'5" worth of silicone and on top of Scott Disick on the list of biggest douchelords to ever walk the planet.


So (self-proclaimed) Rock Lady, good luck with your business.
Let me know when it goes bunkers like Heidi's mom's restaurant in Colorado. 


P.S. How is it possible that EVERY single time I'm updating, Taylor Swift is on TV??!
Seriously, this has to be a breach of some anti-trust laws.  She's currently performing (my favorite song off her new album) at the CMAs.  Terrible, as per usual.  Taytay, I'd forgive love you if you lip-synched.  Try it sometime.
Please note how surprised she is to receive awards in the picture to the left. This is actually the same exact expression on my face when she wins, except mine is a lot slightly angrier.

Listen Up, Kim K. (BTW, I LOVE YOU)

If you don't already know about my love for the Kardashian Klan,
you obviously don't own a Twitter account.

Everyone from Bruce to Kim to Kylie and all the kiddos in between- each one of the 8 (maybe 9 if you count Mason, but he really hasn't proven himself yet...) family members is currently renting out a piece of my heart. Especially Rob. Except that he has the biggest man crush on Lamar.

I get my daily dose of Kourtney, Kim & Khloe via Twitter and it's always fun to see them when it's on their terms (KUWTK, their websites) rather than on others' (magazines, online, etc.)

Except for when Kourtney posted an outrageously pretentious picture of Scott walking around with a cane on her website....how necessary.
Way to up your douche factor ten fold, Scottie.

** Side Note: I am currently watching Dancing With The Stars and Taytay is performing "Mine" on the Results Show. It's official, this Sneaky Biotch (SB) has paid YouTube to remove all subpar performances off of its website to rid of all evidence proving that Taytay is the biggest SB to ever walk the planet!! **

So when I say that it's always fun to see the Kardashians on their own terms rather than on others', it's for this very reason: People Magazine has reported that Kim Kardashian is in the works of producing a (musical) album with The Dream.

For a girl who insulted Paris Hilton's songs at a club, Kim is really digging herself a hole here. Just when I thought the girl was flawless. In fact, she upped her "flawless factor" by showing her viewers that she's not a total snob and money squanderer when she wore the same shirt twice, seven episodes apart. (FYI: I am not the world's greatest stalker (actually I might be) but thanks to my childhood obsession with the game Memory and my incessant replaying of old Kardashian episodes, I was able to recognize the shirt the second time when she was telling Reggie who's boss.)

Kim, listen up. You can build an empire without an (subpar) album. Perfume, endorsements, a TV show, executive producer, and National Football League dating extraordinaire are enough to constitute the resume of a growing empire. Seriously.  
Do not do the album.

Spend that studio time elsewhere doing something that will create a sought out product.
Exempli Gratia:
I know I spent my Saturday morning lazily laying in bed indulging in the four (five?) page spread (W Magazine sized pages, might I add). I would not, however, spend a Saturday night getting ready to your heavily auto-tuned tunes. You are better than Paris and Heidi, who have both face planted in the music industry (haha!) So spare yourself, and my unwavering (for now) love for you and your family. Don't embarrass me yourself.