Party in the Neverland

If you haven't seen photos of Miley turned Tinkerbell over the last couple days, you don't have access to the internet.  Go to your local public library and buy yourself a clue. 

Actually ,on second thought, spare yourself.
Buy Miley a clue instead.

Homegirl needs to remember she is engaged, not yet married, which means Liam can dash at any time whenever he wants. This new 'do may be the trigger to his exit.

Note to Miley: the duckface peace signs cannot salvage this look of yours, so please stop trying.  But also showing teeth does not help either so...just hide out for a while, yeah?

If you're really that bored post-Hannah Montana, couldn't you have just opted for another shot at the bong?  Or make a tutorial for a sluttier version of the Hoedown Throwdown? Or like, just go walk your dog? 

This is just asking for Liam to pull a K.Stew cheat on you.
You know this is embarrassing for him, right?
How rude.

If you find your left hand three and a half carats lighter in the next month or two, you have only yourself to blame for writing your own fate.
I heard boys don't really like dating girls who look like boys.  But screw those people, right?

Wrong.

Miley, better stash up on the kale.
It's a long road from ear length to shoulders.

And so I end with this:

Sorry, not possible. 

Jengaged

Our old little Jen finally scored a big ole' rock on her finger post-Brad.  Well, let's assume it's a big one...even though we've never heard of Justin Theroux pre-Jen-snatchup.  So who'll make it down the aisle for the second time first?  Brad or Jen?

If Justin so much as has ten brain cells above those super arched eyebrows of his, he'll get their license tomorrow morning.
Let's face it...'til now, Jen's pretty much been losing...at life...to Angelina; at least give her this.  Plus, her eggs are depleting.  And Angelina already has fifty three kids.  Add another tally to the Angelina column. 

Yes, this is exciting-- after fleeing her wedding pre-nuptials from Barry Farber and ten seasons of the torturous game of on-again-off-again with Ross Geller and getting cheated on by (and divorced from) Brad Pitt...the gal deserves a shot at true love...even if only one of the three aforementioned situations actually happened in real life.

So here's to Jen, may life be kind to you and have left you enough eggs to successfully pro-create so that you can outdo Angelina by having children that don't resemble the Hanson bros or suffer from gender ambiguity.   Cheers.

P.S. Someone please call me when Scott finally becomes a Kardashian Kourtney finally becomes a Disick.